It was a wonderful 10 days, ... it flew by (is it really over???? can I go back?!?!? ;) ) and yet it took me completely out of my "normal" and it's been an adjustment to return, at least for me!
We took a trip to San Diego and Anaheim from October 1st through the 11th. It was wonderful and scary and relaxing and memorable. Trying at times, stressful in parts, amazing in others and (I hope!) a memory that the boys will treasure and that we'll be able to re-visit in years to come.
I tried so hard to plan everything out, researched the hotels, found the best deals, booked Capri by the Sea with a gorgeous view of the ocean (right on the beach, second floor, made sure that our unit had the most allergy friendly furnishings, tile, etc!). I found the rental car site with the best customer service reviews, booked our park tickets far in advance to save money, (including legoland at 40% off). I made all the costumes for the Halloween party, even staying up all night the 2 nights prior to finish them! In short, I did all I THOUGHT I could do to plan the "perfect" vacation. Perhaps that's where I strayed a bit. I think I failed to realize that no matter how much planning I put into it, LIFE happens, and I needed to let it go and realize that the moments of watching my boys revel in the waves and the sand and the lights and the thrill of the rides are enough. ...
I must remember next time that October is a gamble. The past 3 times we've visited have been cold, overcast and cloudy. The beaches have been chilly and without a sweatshirt or jacket, not
Friday, January 2, 2015
A New Year... new plans and dreams
This is the 3rd day of 2015!
It's been a great Christmas break with the boys, though the flu season this year hasn't been fun :) We are still recovering and I feel the angst setting in that I get when I feel there is SO much to do, and yet I'm tired and the days fly by with just the normal 4 meals to prepare, cleaning, reading with the boys, taking the dog out multiple times, all the while feeling like there is so much going on in my head that I wish I could "turn off" for just an hour or so! Trying to grab a moment for my coffee, and meanwhile, pausing in the busyness of life to watch the glorious sunset through my kitchen window, to thank God for the crisp wintery air that I breathe deep into my lungs as I gaze at the stars (while Tuck sniffs bunny trails at 1:00 in the morning!) and finally, the way my boy's hair smells as I tuck them into bed, ... the way Rye Rye's little body squirms ever closer to mine as he struggles to sleep, the way my Xander and Tennyson say "I love You Mom!" every night and how their breathing grows slower as I hear them drift off.
My life is so blessed right now, and I need to pause and notice it.
I have such a tendency to get caught up in the mental planning of the kitchen, the bills to pay, Christmas and vacation to somehow pay-off, and the fact that I feel like I should be bringing money in somehow. Meanwhile, my husband just wants to relax with me (all I want to do as well) and my boys want me to share in every aspect of their lives. (How wonderful! I hope these days aren't numbered.... how lovely to share with an adolescent son his interests, dreams, and hopes!)
Well, it's now 2 am, must go fix Sebastian and egg and grab some sleep. Thank-you Lord for another year in which to worship and praise You, ... to revel in the blessings you have given!
It's been a great Christmas break with the boys, though the flu season this year hasn't been fun :) We are still recovering and I feel the angst setting in that I get when I feel there is SO much to do, and yet I'm tired and the days fly by with just the normal 4 meals to prepare, cleaning, reading with the boys, taking the dog out multiple times, all the while feeling like there is so much going on in my head that I wish I could "turn off" for just an hour or so! Trying to grab a moment for my coffee, and meanwhile, pausing in the busyness of life to watch the glorious sunset through my kitchen window, to thank God for the crisp wintery air that I breathe deep into my lungs as I gaze at the stars (while Tuck sniffs bunny trails at 1:00 in the morning!) and finally, the way my boy's hair smells as I tuck them into bed, ... the way Rye Rye's little body squirms ever closer to mine as he struggles to sleep, the way my Xander and Tennyson say "I love You Mom!" every night and how their breathing grows slower as I hear them drift off.
My life is so blessed right now, and I need to pause and notice it.
I have such a tendency to get caught up in the mental planning of the kitchen, the bills to pay, Christmas and vacation to somehow pay-off, and the fact that I feel like I should be bringing money in somehow. Meanwhile, my husband just wants to relax with me (all I want to do as well) and my boys want me to share in every aspect of their lives. (How wonderful! I hope these days aren't numbered.... how lovely to share with an adolescent son his interests, dreams, and hopes!)
Well, it's now 2 am, must go fix Sebastian and egg and grab some sleep. Thank-you Lord for another year in which to worship and praise You, ... to revel in the blessings you have given!
Sunday, May 4, 2014
Circles of Life
"We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."
~T.S. Eliot
I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately. The last few years have seemed to be a whirlwind of lessons, homework, providing emotional support for an elementary-age child, ... the same for a little one who started school and now is full time this year, ... having a third baby and watching his first 3 years fly by faster than I can blink!
My 3 Boys, .... my three loves, ... my "little men" as I find myself calling them.
I've been a busy, distracted mama of late, with so many things on my plate and letting myself live life in "response" mode, driven by the demands of the moment and not stepping back to see the bigger picture!
The past few months (really this whole school year) have found me introspective, rather sad fairly often, stressed and even physically undermined as it seems I've been running on a lower immunity and catch every little bug that comes around. The turning point wasn't a kairos, that clarifying "aha" moment, ... rather it was the still voice that I kept pushing away, the shadow at the back of my soul, the sadness (and the guilt that I felt sad) that I didn't take the time to acknowledge. I don't know why I've put it off so long, I only know that I feel God finally pushed me to realize that this was not what I needed to be doing.
TIME is really all we have, ... I know this and yet I think I fell prey to the lure of extra money. Not for myself, but for lessons, "extras", the help with the stresses of one income and 5 lives to manage on it. I told myself I should be able to handle providing daycare for 2 more little boys, that it would be the same as staying home with Urizen. But, though it was ok for a while, it's NOT the same. I miss the times that I had with Xander and then with Tennyson and I want to have those memories with my "baby". The park visits on the spur of the moment, the trips to the library, the walks and backyard playtimes where I didn't have THREE little people to watch (and really two plus HOLDING one!) because two were capable at that point.
I love to think that I can do it all, that somehow "superwoman/supermom" is attainable. I wish I could live in a magical world where I could have 20 children and they were all happy and had enough time with me! I realize now though, that for me, "supermom" isn't in the cards. And I'm ok with that! I wasn't meant to have twins (which is what it resembles with Urizen and the nearly 4 year-old I've been taking care of, though that isn't real either as actual siblings have a closer bond and not such competition), and I know that God gave us our boys at the times we were meant to have them. I never had one as close as the 14 month-old is to Urizen, my boys were separated by 3.5 years and it was perfect, (I might have a newborn right now, but not a little one who gets into everything his brother wants to play with!) I realize that God used this a growing experience, and a lesson in what is truly valuable. If I feel stressed and worn and unhappy, and even more than that, if I'm making my family suffer because of it, then it's not what God wants for us. Sebastian is SO supportive and hasn't said anything in the 3 years I've taken this on, but I know it's hard on him to see me tired or stressed or worn out by a crying baby that I can't nurse or soothe or comfort!
This is the turning point. I feel it and I realize that like the circle T.S.Eliot spoke of, I end up where I began. How do I tell my 37 year-old self that my 20 year-old self knew best? ;) Did I have more wisdom THEN? When Sebastian and I spoke of the future when were first engaged, did I see this? Why was I willing to sacrifice the moment for the imagined future? Money, even $800 a month isn't worth it. I have 2 more years and then Urizen is gone from me for 8 hours a day. Surely then I can make money for their future. It's only mammon, ... memories are priceless. My sanity, my peace, my love, ... THAT'S what I want my children to remember of their mama!
~T.S. Eliot
I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately. The last few years have seemed to be a whirlwind of lessons, homework, providing emotional support for an elementary-age child, ... the same for a little one who started school and now is full time this year, ... having a third baby and watching his first 3 years fly by faster than I can blink!
My 3 Boys, .... my three loves, ... my "little men" as I find myself calling them.
I've been a busy, distracted mama of late, with so many things on my plate and letting myself live life in "response" mode, driven by the demands of the moment and not stepping back to see the bigger picture!
The past few months (really this whole school year) have found me introspective, rather sad fairly often, stressed and even physically undermined as it seems I've been running on a lower immunity and catch every little bug that comes around. The turning point wasn't a kairos, that clarifying "aha" moment, ... rather it was the still voice that I kept pushing away, the shadow at the back of my soul, the sadness (and the guilt that I felt sad) that I didn't take the time to acknowledge. I don't know why I've put it off so long, I only know that I feel God finally pushed me to realize that this was not what I needed to be doing.
TIME is really all we have, ... I know this and yet I think I fell prey to the lure of extra money. Not for myself, but for lessons, "extras", the help with the stresses of one income and 5 lives to manage on it. I told myself I should be able to handle providing daycare for 2 more little boys, that it would be the same as staying home with Urizen. But, though it was ok for a while, it's NOT the same. I miss the times that I had with Xander and then with Tennyson and I want to have those memories with my "baby". The park visits on the spur of the moment, the trips to the library, the walks and backyard playtimes where I didn't have THREE little people to watch (and really two plus HOLDING one!) because two were capable at that point.
I love to think that I can do it all, that somehow "superwoman/supermom" is attainable. I wish I could live in a magical world where I could have 20 children and they were all happy and had enough time with me! I realize now though, that for me, "supermom" isn't in the cards. And I'm ok with that! I wasn't meant to have twins (which is what it resembles with Urizen and the nearly 4 year-old I've been taking care of, though that isn't real either as actual siblings have a closer bond and not such competition), and I know that God gave us our boys at the times we were meant to have them. I never had one as close as the 14 month-old is to Urizen, my boys were separated by 3.5 years and it was perfect, (I might have a newborn right now, but not a little one who gets into everything his brother wants to play with!) I realize that God used this a growing experience, and a lesson in what is truly valuable. If I feel stressed and worn and unhappy, and even more than that, if I'm making my family suffer because of it, then it's not what God wants for us. Sebastian is SO supportive and hasn't said anything in the 3 years I've taken this on, but I know it's hard on him to see me tired or stressed or worn out by a crying baby that I can't nurse or soothe or comfort!
This is the turning point. I feel it and I realize that like the circle T.S.Eliot spoke of, I end up where I began. How do I tell my 37 year-old self that my 20 year-old self knew best? ;) Did I have more wisdom THEN? When Sebastian and I spoke of the future when were first engaged, did I see this? Why was I willing to sacrifice the moment for the imagined future? Money, even $800 a month isn't worth it. I have 2 more years and then Urizen is gone from me for 8 hours a day. Surely then I can make money for their future. It's only mammon, ... memories are priceless. My sanity, my peace, my love, ... THAT'S what I want my children to remember of their mama!
We
shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will
be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/tseliot109032.html#Tj6fH0EP9uqC2cT9.99
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/tseliot109032.html#Tj6fH0EP9uqC2cT9.99
We
shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will
be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/tseliot109032.html#Tj6fH0EP9uqC2cT9.99
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/tseliot109032.html#Tj6fH0EP9uqC2cT9.99
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Midnight Musings :)
Here it is, midnight again!
Today was lively, lovely, laughable and a learning experience all in one! I love these days, these moments, these memories.
I hope Sebastian knows how amazing he has made my life to be able to experience these moments with my boys.
Today was lively, lovely, laughable and a learning experience all in one! I love these days, these moments, these memories.
I hope Sebastian knows how amazing he has made my life to be able to experience these moments with my boys.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Big changes, and wonderful little moments.
A momentous occasion happened last weekend. On Sunday, March 23rd we celebrated Urizen's "Stop Nursing" party. He'd been ready for a while and I think I was the one "holding on" more than anything. Though he asked every day for it and of course we nursed to sleep always.
We had talked about it with him and he said he wanted Saturday the 22nd to be his last time. I felt sad because he fell asleep on the couch that night and when he stirred a few hours later, I went in to him and nursed him, but he slept through it. I think he knew though, ...he clutched me tightly, more than he had in a while and seemed to be "saying goodbye" so to speak. I shed a few tears and even now get misty-eyed. It's been over a decade, (ten and a half years to be exact!) since I started the nursing phase of my journey with the boys. 10 years of wonderful bonding and snuggling and sweet baby hands holding mine. I can't believe it's over in a way... I hope Heaven somehow is a place where you can re-live all the wonderful experiences of the past,... what perfection that would be!
Now this first week, Urizen was really good and hardly cried as the other two did. The first night was hard for me because he said "I've changed my mind, I still want to Nee-Nee, Mommy" as he whimpered tearily into my shoulder. He calmed down right away though when I told him I'd snuggle him just as tight and we'd still go to sleep together. He asked a few more nights, but last night and tonight there was just snuggles. He said the sweetest thing though two days ago and I never want to forget it. He crawled into my lap in the middle of the day and held me tight, in the position he used to nurse in. He told me "I really loved to Nee-Nee Mommy, and you still have milk in your Nee-Nee's and I love to snuggle next to them now"
Oh, ...my baby. How hard it is for mama's to watch their little ones grow up! (And wonderful at the same time!)
We had talked about it with him and he said he wanted Saturday the 22nd to be his last time. I felt sad because he fell asleep on the couch that night and when he stirred a few hours later, I went in to him and nursed him, but he slept through it. I think he knew though, ...he clutched me tightly, more than he had in a while and seemed to be "saying goodbye" so to speak. I shed a few tears and even now get misty-eyed. It's been over a decade, (ten and a half years to be exact!) since I started the nursing phase of my journey with the boys. 10 years of wonderful bonding and snuggling and sweet baby hands holding mine. I can't believe it's over in a way... I hope Heaven somehow is a place where you can re-live all the wonderful experiences of the past,... what perfection that would be!
Now this first week, Urizen was really good and hardly cried as the other two did. The first night was hard for me because he said "I've changed my mind, I still want to Nee-Nee, Mommy" as he whimpered tearily into my shoulder. He calmed down right away though when I told him I'd snuggle him just as tight and we'd still go to sleep together. He asked a few more nights, but last night and tonight there was just snuggles. He said the sweetest thing though two days ago and I never want to forget it. He crawled into my lap in the middle of the day and held me tight, in the position he used to nurse in. He told me "I really loved to Nee-Nee Mommy, and you still have milk in your Nee-Nee's and I love to snuggle next to them now"
Oh, ...my baby. How hard it is for mama's to watch their little ones grow up! (And wonderful at the same time!)
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
My Baby, ... 2 going on 7! How the time flies!
Little Urizen, ... so many areas lately that you are growing so quickly in! Your vocabulary has astounded me in recent days and you remember SO much! I can't believe how you re-tell me events from our DisneyWorld trip of a year ago! (You were only 16 months old at the time!) You still remember the train ride in the Magic Kingdom, the fireworks and meeting Mickey Mouse! You'll randomly come up to me and say "remember Mommy when we saw Mickey Mouse and rode the train?"!!! Oh, ... how I wish we could take you there again right now!
You say that quite frequently, "remember Mommy?" ... you re-tell me events of last summer with Bamma, ... our trips to the Zoo, ... our trip to the Mall of America (I'm SO, SO, SO glad I took you and you had such a good time! Your favorite moments from there were the Ferris Wheel and the Ghost Blasters. You waited an HOUR in line for Ghost Blasters with me and then got scared as soon as we got in the ride! Oh, you were/are so sweet! I'm glad you remembered it with such fondness!)
Some things you say right now that I never want to forget:
"You're my baby, Mommy" :) I love you!
" I'm 'Rizen, ... I'm a big boy, ...I'm your baby"!
"Can I get out another Lego set Mommy!?!?"
"Remember, Mommy????" ..... for whatever you are thinking of at the time!
OH my little love bug, ... you are "stirring" in bed now and I must go to you soon! I could snuggle you forever!
You LOVED "The Gaurdian's" and Jack Frost's character in it! I feel like you are going to be my daredevil, ... my little man who wants to play football and ride motorcycles, and just experience life with no limits! I hope you stay safe, but I don't want you to lose your passion. It's funny, you are SO your father! Sometimes I feel like Xander is the most like me, Tennyson is Kris, and Urizen is Sebastian! (Of course all three boys have LOTS of their father in them and of me too I'm sure, ... but still, you, Urizen are very "Fuhrer" in your look and nature!)
There are so many moments lately I want to remember, ... It's so amazing, ... my life is so full and along with all the things I want to do are the things I need to do (cooking, cleaning, paying bills, planning for the future, teaching, lessons, etc!) But I want so badly to scrapbook, to read, to play, to take trips, to make memories, to just be with my boys, ... I need to remind myself daily that this time is flying by SO FAST!!! Xander is already NINE years old! How is that possible???? Every day is a wonderful gift. I love seeing my boys sleepy faces upon waking, ... the happy "good morning Mom!" coming from Tennyson. The way Xander loves to be tickled awake and Urizen snuggles as long as he can!
How blessed am I? What a wonderful life and amazing family and perfect Husband! I love you Sebastian, ... thank-you for making my life so blessed!~~~
You say that quite frequently, "remember Mommy?" ... you re-tell me events of last summer with Bamma, ... our trips to the Zoo, ... our trip to the Mall of America (I'm SO, SO, SO glad I took you and you had such a good time! Your favorite moments from there were the Ferris Wheel and the Ghost Blasters. You waited an HOUR in line for Ghost Blasters with me and then got scared as soon as we got in the ride! Oh, you were/are so sweet! I'm glad you remembered it with such fondness!)
Some things you say right now that I never want to forget:
"You're my baby, Mommy" :) I love you!
" I'm 'Rizen, ... I'm a big boy, ...I'm your baby"!
"Can I get out another Lego set Mommy!?!?"
"Remember, Mommy????" ..... for whatever you are thinking of at the time!
OH my little love bug, ... you are "stirring" in bed now and I must go to you soon! I could snuggle you forever!
You LOVED "The Gaurdian's" and Jack Frost's character in it! I feel like you are going to be my daredevil, ... my little man who wants to play football and ride motorcycles, and just experience life with no limits! I hope you stay safe, but I don't want you to lose your passion. It's funny, you are SO your father! Sometimes I feel like Xander is the most like me, Tennyson is Kris, and Urizen is Sebastian! (Of course all three boys have LOTS of their father in them and of me too I'm sure, ... but still, you, Urizen are very "Fuhrer" in your look and nature!)
There are so many moments lately I want to remember, ... It's so amazing, ... my life is so full and along with all the things I want to do are the things I need to do (cooking, cleaning, paying bills, planning for the future, teaching, lessons, etc!) But I want so badly to scrapbook, to read, to play, to take trips, to make memories, to just be with my boys, ... I need to remind myself daily that this time is flying by SO FAST!!! Xander is already NINE years old! How is that possible???? Every day is a wonderful gift. I love seeing my boys sleepy faces upon waking, ... the happy "good morning Mom!" coming from Tennyson. The way Xander loves to be tickled awake and Urizen snuggles as long as he can!
How blessed am I? What a wonderful life and amazing family and perfect Husband! I love you Sebastian, ... thank-you for making my life so blessed!~~~
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