It's late and I must get to bed, this "cold" (or something ) has been hanging on for a month now!!! This weekend was so lovely though, sleeping in, hanging out with my boys at the pool, just enjoying the beautiful Midwest spring!
Tonight had three lovely moments that I want to remember, ...
First, little Urizen, after brushing teeth, ran out on the deck. The crescent moon hung over the variegated maple and the gusts of wind blew the trees in the twilight. "Mama, ... come!" his little voice exclaimed. "Mama, hold you????" he said endearingly, reaching up to me. I leaned down and he leapt into my arms, clinging with legs and arms like a tiny primate to my torso. I walked outside and looked up. "There" he pointed... "Up??? There???... Walk? ... FUN?!?!?" As he said this his little right leg stretched out and away and up to the sky.
Urizen ADORES the moon, and looks for it every time he's outside. He already knows that it doesn't appear during the day, but if he's outside and it's nearing nightfall, he searches the sky, straining to see where it might be. It's as if it's a friend or a magical thing to be taken hold of. I wonder if his future hold some unimagined connection to "Lune'". Only the future will tell. .... I will hold on to this glorious memory, and forever feel the way it was to hold him and adore God's creation together!
And Tennyson, ... you were tired tonight my love. You had a day of new experiences. The waterslide at the RAC, ... more daring swimming and jumping than you had in the past, ... lots of sun and water and fun. Once we'd FINALLY gotten you and your brothers in bed and I was snuggled between you and Urizen, I thought you'd relax and get the rest your little body needed. After prayers and while singing "Tender Shepherd" however, you were still squirming. You kept putting your hand on my arm and I thought you were reaching for my hand, when I tried to shake you off and grab your hand, you lost it. In tears you cried at me for not letting you hold my arm! I tried to explain my misunderstanding, but to no avail. You were too tired and too distraught at my perceived dismissal of affections. My heart ached, and I realized there was no way of convincing you that I hadn't understood. I tried a different tactic of singing a made up song of our day and dreaming about things you love. ... "Flying with Peter Pan, dancing with Winnie the Pooh, battling with Pokemon, talking with Ben 10, ....traveling to Mars and Venus and the farthest galaxy, the places you can visit and the people you can see when you are dreaming"... you stopped crying and listened for a while, but then tears sprang anew and you sobbed "it's just so wonderful, that song makes me cry! You are singing about so many nice things!"
Ah, my little sensitive one. My one prayer for you lately is that you know, REALLY know how much you are loved and what an amazing person you are. I worry that you hold things in and while on the outside don't seem to be bothered by things, you really internalize them and don't think that well of yourself. I pray that is not the case and only a mother's overprotective concern!
Tomorrow I will try to have some special time with just you, my middle child, dear one of my heart!
And Xander, strong so much of the time. You are an amazing little man already. I know your dad and I expect much of you and probably don't let you "be a kid" as much as we should. I hope this summer you can have some unhindered "boy time" and just let loose and be crazy and free! How I feel so horrible when the few times you want "closeness" is when it's not really possible! Tonight you once again wanted to snuggle in bed with Tennyson, and Urizen and I. Four bodies just won't fit in that twin bunk, Urizen falls out as it is. I tried to explain that we could try a different sleeping situation in the summer, ... but you too were worn out from today and just too tired. I know you handled it though and went to sleep well. Thank-you my little love, growing up so fast, for all you do to "take care" of me and help me! I hope you know how VERY much you are appreciated and loved!
Well, I must sleep or I'll never get better! I love you my three "little men", ... now to go snuggle with my Love.
xoxoxoxo your "Mama"
Monday, May 28, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
Toddlerhood and Individuality!
Oh my, has it really been 9 months since I've last written here! My little ones, I'm so sorry I've gotten so busy. Life marches on, and the hours of the day never increase. Here it is, nearly 2 am, and I have a quiet house. All are sleeping, ... I hear breathing over the monitor and I've checked on Xander and Tennyson. Eight, Five and nearly 20 months. How is it possible that the "newborn" stage is done? I was thinking today about each of the boys. How I had them, jealously, to myself at a day old. With Tnenyson and Urizen, Sebastian had taken the older boys home for a bit, with Xander, it was Sebastian crashing in the chair in the delivery room. Those moments, when fresh to the world I held each of you... I pray every day that Heaven is like that. I hope that memories are relived in every essence. The smell of new life, the weight of each little body, no longer within me but in my arms, the perfect features and magnificent "oneness" with a Creator and a Heaven and my LOVE! For in each little boy I've born and snuggled I see their father, ...
Life is so beautiful and so fleeting. Years fly by in an instant and I have to pause and breathe and remember what is was like to hear my first born start to walk and talk and share his thoughts. Now he talks of Plato and Aristotle, is fascinated by sharks and history and the universe, is enthralled with his dad's story and looks to life with all the excitement that I remember feeling at 8 years old! Your days are filled with school and Taekwondo and piano and your "fun" of "explosions" and Minecraft and books. :) I love you my Xanderman and I can't believe you're nearly halfway to college! How is that possible! In only a little more than a year you will be half the age I was when your dad and I got married. PLEASE Lord, let me cherish this time with my firstborn, let me give him all I can and let him have an amazing life, just as I have!!!!
And Tennyson, starting school next year. You are so amazing, reading and imagining. I see my love (and your dad's) of literature and stories in you. I hope you know how wonderful you really are. You seem to have a way of disappearing into your own work and play and I watch you in your "world " which must be so amazing, peopled with your favorite characters and filled with adventure and heros and villains and who knows what else. There are a few things that I hope and pray Heaven holds. The first is to re-experience all the wonderful memories I have of my three boys, holding them, nursing them, watching them take their first steps, hearing them say "I love you", remembering the way each one feels when I snuggle them at night. The other thing I hope/wish/pray for is that somehow I can see inside their little minds, to witness Xander's "shows" as they used to be called and now his "explosions"... all "movies/stories" in his head. And to see what Tennyson's world looks like, peopled with Mario and Sonic, Link and Skylanders, Pokemon and Bakugan, even Winnie the Pooh and Buzz and Woody and Tinkerbell! Ah, to live life through the eyes of a 5-year-old. I pray that you keep this magic and wonder at the work my Tennyson. School next year is going to be harder for me than for you I think! You are so much my "baby"... oddly enough sometimes more than Urizen even! Where he craves his independence, you treasure your childhood. You are truly like your father and will even come to me in tears saying "I don't want to change Mom, I want to stay this age forever and for YOU to stay this age forever Mom, so you don't ever die!" How much I love you my little "Tata"....I just hope you know it and always hold me in your heart....
Urizen, my baby, and yet so big already! You make me smile every day... your dimple melts my heart and I "cave" when you smile in your little shy/sly way. :) You are so self-aware st this stage, more than your brothers. Where Xander was serious and sensitive and wanted always to please, and Tennyson was so laid-back and in his own world and just, well just a toddler, you seem to be an "old soul" like Xander, beyond your years in understanding and a grasp of the universe, humor and all!. You adore your family and makes my heart melt to think of how lucky are to have your Dad working from home. Our family unit truly is the "norm" for you and when either dad or I am gone, you have quite the hard time! Challenging as that is right now, I treasure it. you are the last "baby" and the last one so reliant on us. I know I'm going to hold on to your "babyhood" for a long time, ... oddly enough you most likely won't let me :) Your new phrase of choice is "I do it myself", and "my do it" :) Yesterday you were SO talkative (and the inspiration for this blog entry) You wanted to get up on the chair where Xander had been working at the computer. I was busy and trying to get stuff done and said "no". You were distraught and crying, ... I held my ground, though I knew what you wanted (to stand on the chair and play with the stereo and phones, etc.). You kept saying "up, up UP!" and then, realizing that I wasn't responding to that, you stated "I want get up chair!" "Pease! Pease!" How could I resist!?!?!? Suffice it to say, you got to play with the stereo :)
You are just growing so fast my little love... You want to drink without a sippy, feed yourself, you want to potty train (and are so proud of yourself when you run to the potty, strip off your diaper and stand there like your brothers do!) You love to draw (circles are a favorite, you'll say "circle, circle, circle" as you draw :)) And you ADORE music and dancing! You'll come running into the kitchen, bouncing and head bobbing/banging the moment I put on the Stills or Silversun Pickups. It's a memory I hope I always hold. Especially the way you smile at me as if we share a secret.
OH! Before I end for tonight, you ran to me today, out of the blue and said "spin, spin spin?" You wanted me to hold your arms and twirl, ... how we did and how I will remember that "picture". Your gleeful face, inches from mine, the world blurry and spinning around us. Just you and me in our own moment in time... Please God, let me have many many more moments like this. And help me to treasure every one!
Thank-you Lord for the most perfect life and amazing family ever. I know how ill deserving I am of it and I thank You every day /moment for the blessing of my Love and my boys.
~Till the next spare moment boys, your Mama :) XOXOXO
Life is so beautiful and so fleeting. Years fly by in an instant and I have to pause and breathe and remember what is was like to hear my first born start to walk and talk and share his thoughts. Now he talks of Plato and Aristotle, is fascinated by sharks and history and the universe, is enthralled with his dad's story and looks to life with all the excitement that I remember feeling at 8 years old! Your days are filled with school and Taekwondo and piano and your "fun" of "explosions" and Minecraft and books. :) I love you my Xanderman and I can't believe you're nearly halfway to college! How is that possible! In only a little more than a year you will be half the age I was when your dad and I got married. PLEASE Lord, let me cherish this time with my firstborn, let me give him all I can and let him have an amazing life, just as I have!!!!
And Tennyson, starting school next year. You are so amazing, reading and imagining. I see my love (and your dad's) of literature and stories in you. I hope you know how wonderful you really are. You seem to have a way of disappearing into your own work and play and I watch you in your "world " which must be so amazing, peopled with your favorite characters and filled with adventure and heros and villains and who knows what else. There are a few things that I hope and pray Heaven holds. The first is to re-experience all the wonderful memories I have of my three boys, holding them, nursing them, watching them take their first steps, hearing them say "I love you", remembering the way each one feels when I snuggle them at night. The other thing I hope/wish/pray for is that somehow I can see inside their little minds, to witness Xander's "shows" as they used to be called and now his "explosions"... all "movies/stories" in his head. And to see what Tennyson's world looks like, peopled with Mario and Sonic, Link and Skylanders, Pokemon and Bakugan, even Winnie the Pooh and Buzz and Woody and Tinkerbell! Ah, to live life through the eyes of a 5-year-old. I pray that you keep this magic and wonder at the work my Tennyson. School next year is going to be harder for me than for you I think! You are so much my "baby"... oddly enough sometimes more than Urizen even! Where he craves his independence, you treasure your childhood. You are truly like your father and will even come to me in tears saying "I don't want to change Mom, I want to stay this age forever and for YOU to stay this age forever Mom, so you don't ever die!" How much I love you my little "Tata"....I just hope you know it and always hold me in your heart....
Urizen, my baby, and yet so big already! You make me smile every day... your dimple melts my heart and I "cave" when you smile in your little shy/sly way. :) You are so self-aware st this stage, more than your brothers. Where Xander was serious and sensitive and wanted always to please, and Tennyson was so laid-back and in his own world and just, well just a toddler, you seem to be an "old soul" like Xander, beyond your years in understanding and a grasp of the universe, humor and all!. You adore your family and makes my heart melt to think of how lucky are to have your Dad working from home. Our family unit truly is the "norm" for you and when either dad or I am gone, you have quite the hard time! Challenging as that is right now, I treasure it. you are the last "baby" and the last one so reliant on us. I know I'm going to hold on to your "babyhood" for a long time, ... oddly enough you most likely won't let me :) Your new phrase of choice is "I do it myself", and "my do it" :) Yesterday you were SO talkative (and the inspiration for this blog entry) You wanted to get up on the chair where Xander had been working at the computer. I was busy and trying to get stuff done and said "no". You were distraught and crying, ... I held my ground, though I knew what you wanted (to stand on the chair and play with the stereo and phones, etc.). You kept saying "up, up UP!" and then, realizing that I wasn't responding to that, you stated "I want get up chair!" "Pease! Pease!" How could I resist!?!?!? Suffice it to say, you got to play with the stereo :)
You are just growing so fast my little love... You want to drink without a sippy, feed yourself, you want to potty train (and are so proud of yourself when you run to the potty, strip off your diaper and stand there like your brothers do!) You love to draw (circles are a favorite, you'll say "circle, circle, circle" as you draw :)) And you ADORE music and dancing! You'll come running into the kitchen, bouncing and head bobbing/banging the moment I put on the Stills or Silversun Pickups. It's a memory I hope I always hold. Especially the way you smile at me as if we share a secret.
OH! Before I end for tonight, you ran to me today, out of the blue and said "spin, spin spin?" You wanted me to hold your arms and twirl, ... how we did and how I will remember that "picture". Your gleeful face, inches from mine, the world blurry and spinning around us. Just you and me in our own moment in time... Please God, let me have many many more moments like this. And help me to treasure every one!
Thank-you Lord for the most perfect life and amazing family ever. I know how ill deserving I am of it and I thank You every day /moment for the blessing of my Love and my boys.
~Till the next spare moment boys, your Mama :) XOXOXO
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