Circles of Life

"We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."
~T.S. Eliot

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately.  The last few years have seemed to be a whirlwind of lessons, homework, providing emotional support for an elementary-age child, ... the same for a little one who started school and now is full time this year, ... having a third baby and watching his first 3 years fly by faster than I can blink!

My 3 Boys, .... my three loves, ... my "little men" as I find myself calling them.

I've been a busy, distracted mama of late, with so many things on my plate and letting myself live life in "response" mode, driven by the demands of the moment and not stepping back to see the bigger picture!

The past few months (really this whole school year) have found me introspective, rather sad fairly often, stressed and even physically undermined as it seems I've been running on a lower immunity and catch every little bug that comes around.  The turning point wasn't a kairos, that clarifying "aha" moment, ... rather it was the still voice that I kept pushing away, the shadow at the back of my soul, the sadness (and the guilt that I felt sad) that I didn't take the time to acknowledge.  I don't know why I've put it off so long, I only know that I feel God finally pushed me to realize that this was not what I needed to be doing.

TIME is really all we have, ... I know this and yet I think I fell prey to the lure of extra money.  Not for myself, but for lessons, "extras", the help with the stresses of one income and 5 lives to manage on it.   I told myself  I should be able to handle providing daycare for 2 more little boys, that it would be the same as staying home with Urizen.  But, though it was ok for a while, it's NOT the same.  I miss the times that I had with Xander and then with Tennyson and I want to have those  memories with my "baby".  The park visits on the spur of the moment, the trips to the library, the walks and backyard playtimes where I didn't have THREE little people to watch (and really two plus HOLDING one!) because two were capable at that point.

I love to think that I can do it all, that somehow "superwoman/supermom" is attainable.  I wish I could live in a magical world where I could have 20 children and they were all happy and had enough time with me!  I realize now though, that for me, "supermom" isn't in the cards. And I'm ok with that! I wasn't meant to have twins (which is what it resembles with Urizen and the nearly 4 year-old I've been taking care of, though that isn't real either as actual siblings have a closer bond and not such competition), and I know that God gave us our boys at the times we were meant to have them.  I never had one as close as the 14 month-old is to Urizen, my boys were separated by 3.5 years and it was perfect, (I might have a newborn right now, but not a little one who gets into everything his brother wants to play with!)  I realize that God used this a growing experience, and a lesson in what is truly valuable.  If  I feel stressed and worn and unhappy, and even more than that, if I'm making my family suffer because of it, then it's not what God wants for us. Sebastian is SO supportive and hasn't said anything in the 3 years I've taken this on, but I know it's hard on him to see me tired or stressed or worn out by a crying baby that I can't nurse or soothe or comfort!

This is the turning point. I feel it and I realize that like the circle T.S.Eliot spoke of, I end up where I began. How do I tell my 37 year-old self that my 20 year-old self knew best?   ;)   Did I have more wisdom THEN?  When Sebastian and I spoke of the future when were first engaged, did I see this?  Why was I willing to sacrifice the moment for the imagined future?  Money, even $800 a month isn't worth it.  I have 2 more years and then Urizen is gone from me for 8 hours a day.  Surely then I can make money for their future.  It's only mammon, ... memories are priceless.  My sanity, my peace, my love, ... THAT'S what I want my children to remember of their mama!

We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/tseliot109032.html#Tj6fH0EP9uqC2cT9.99

We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/tseliot109032.html#Tj6fH0EP9uqC2cT9.99

Midnight Musings :)

Here it is, midnight again!

Today was lively, lovely, laughable and a learning experience all in one!  I love these days, these moments, these memories.

I hope Sebastian knows how amazing he has made my life to be able to experience these moments with my boys.

Big changes, and wonderful little moments.

A momentous occasion happened last weekend.  On Sunday, March 23rd we celebrated Urizen's "Stop Nursing" party.  He'd been ready for a while and I think I was the one "holding on" more than anything.  Though he asked every day for it and of course we nursed to sleep always.

We had talked about it with him and he said he wanted Saturday the 22nd to be his last time.  I felt sad because he fell asleep on the couch that night and when he stirred a few hours later, I went in to him and nursed him, but he slept through it.  I think he knew though, ...he clutched me tightly, more than he had in a while and seemed to be "saying goodbye" so to speak.  I shed a few tears and even now get misty-eyed.  It's been over a decade, (ten and a half years to be exact!) since I started the nursing phase of my journey with the boys.  10 years of wonderful bonding and snuggling and sweet baby hands holding mine.  I can't believe it's over in a way...  I hope Heaven somehow is a place where you can re-live all the wonderful experiences of the past,...  what perfection that would be!

Now this first week, Urizen was really good and hardly cried as the other two did.  The first night was hard for me because he said "I've changed my mind, I still want to Nee-Nee, Mommy"  as he whimpered tearily into my shoulder.  He calmed down right away though when I told him I'd snuggle him just as tight and we'd still go to sleep together.  He asked a few more nights, but last night and tonight there was just snuggles.  He said the sweetest thing though two days ago and I never want to forget it.  He crawled into my lap in the middle of the day and held me tight, in the position he used to nurse in.  He told me "I really loved to Nee-Nee Mommy, and you still have milk in your Nee-Nee's and I love to snuggle next to them now" 
Oh, ...my baby.  How hard it is for mama's to watch their little ones grow up!  (And wonderful at the same time!)