The summer rain is absolutely pouring right now. I sit here listening to it hit the roof and chimney, subtle on the shingles and metallically ringing on the fireplace flue. I'm perfectly contented as I sit here and think back on the past 15 years! (15 years come December, ... HOW is that so?!?!? I begin to understand how Heaven in it's infinity is the only way there is enough time to spend with your soul-mate, your family and your Savior!.... This time is but a blink of the eye, a flicker in the night, .... and how much faster it seems to fly when you are happy and fulfilled ! This is a wonderful time in our lives. We have three healthy and happy growing boys. I have the love of my life at my side as we face the future together. There are so many things that I look forward to (God willing) and no matter what, we have each other and our beautiful lives here on this beautiful earth! Thank-you Lord for your many blessings and all the glory you have bestowed on this world!
Tonight Tennyson said it so aptly: "Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you God for this world and EVERYTHING in it and EVERYTHING!!!!! Amen!" :) Ahhhh, I need to record these fleeting glimpses of childhood thoughts. I'll start tomorrow night with a voice recorder and hopefully catch these perfect moments with my boys at night as their days slow down and the moments coalesce in their minds and spirits. Xander and Tennyson and Urizen... my little loves and my amazing friends and my little poets at night. You are all three so unique and inspiring and I can't begin to imagine how incredible your lives will be.
This has been a lovely summer so far: Kris staying for 5 weeks, a dinner date with my Love, trips to the Zoo and the Mississippi with the boys, riverboat rides and train excursions. Urizen is enraptured with trains and boats after the trip to La Crosse... and I realize how wonderful little people's memories are when he brings it up on a weekly basis and reminds ME of it!;)
All the boys are growing so fast... I really don't have a "baby" anymore! Xander is 8 going on 14, Tennyson is reading at a 3-4th grade level and Urizen is talking up a storm, dealing with feelings and limits and expressing himself through words at an incredible pace.
And me, ... I feel so perfectly fulfilled right now. I would have been totally happy with only Sebastian had that been God's plan. I always wanted to be a mom though, and after Xander was born I felt fulfilled,... but I knew I wanted him to have siblings. Then Tennyson came along and I couldn't imagine being more blessed. I'll always remember going to Disneyland and the Mall of America, etc. with just the two little boys, ... one for each of us! Holding their little hands, we grew so used to how that felt that on the rare occasions when Sebastian and I held each others' hand, it/they felt enormous!
And then little Urizen, our little man that felt so "right". I knew the next day that I was pregnant and knew it was a boy, ... each step of the way there were no surprises :) Urizen gave us a smile and a look during his 20-week ultrasound as if to say "what did you think guys? it's me and I'll be out soon to join in the fun!;) ) He's my "baby" and yet he's so independent! (At this point Tennyson seems to be the natural "baby" of the family! :) ) Urizen wants to do anything and everything that the boys do :) And I suppose that suits him. He will be like Xander in his drive and individuality and yet like Tennyson in his ability to "let go" and roll with the punches. Urizen does seem to be the most "boy-ish" of the boys though. Whether that is having two older brothers or just his own testosterone level, time will tell, :)
Tonight though, I just love my boys, (all 4!!!!) And I love being the Soul and keeper of the home and hearts right now. I pray every day for guidance that Yahweh will give me the strength and wisdom and patience to help and teach every day without tiring. I LOVE YOU my Yeshua! And I love that you've fulfilled my every desire and given me my perfect family! Thank-you, Thank-you, THANK-YOU!!!
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
Summer sun, trips to the zoo and a sad goodbye
These last few days of our week long "stay-cation" have been wonderful and also sad to say the least.
We said goodbye to Gizmo on June 20th. Poor little guy, he'd had a hard time of it the last few months and had finally stopped eating. It was so hard to watch, and my heart ached every time I saw Sebastian trying to get him to eat something, anything throughout the day. He was such a sweet member of our family, ... our "armchair" leopard, ... the first anniversary present I gave Sebastian, ... the "baby" we had before we had babies!
Sebastian and I went together to the vet. Gizmo was calm and not in pain, (we'd given him a pain med on Tuesday), he seemed like he knew, even on the ride there, ... he didn't "cry" or "talk" like he usually did in the car. I think he knew Sebastian was there and that somehow, this was all as it should be. He'd had a lot of time outside in the sun the last few days, enjoying the warmth of the deck and the heat of the summer. I'm so glad he made it past the winter. He was such a desert cat and loved the heat and sun on his fur.
I'm so glad Sebastian was with me in letting him go, ... though I know how hard it was on him. My Love, you said good bye to one of your best friends, ...I wish you could have "held" him longer!
Thursday we took a "day off" and went on an impromptu trip to the zoo :) The boys had a blast and it was sheer joy to see little Urizen dancing and jumping with glee when he saw the penguins swimming, the prairie dogs "hopping" and the goats clamoring for affection! He's at the perfect age for the zoo and hopefully we can get back there a few more times this year!
There were so many moments yesterday that stood out for me, ... how big Xander has gotten, how Tennyson too has grown, yet is still "little": crying over spilled ice cream and a bit scared of the Dinosaur exhibit. All the boys were a joy though, and I hope I always remember their laughter and squeals of joy running through the playground area, climbing and sliding and spinning and "discovering"! The fountains at the end of the day were wonderful, the boys were overjoyed when I told them to "go for it" and get wet :) (Unbeknownst to them, I'd brought a change of clothes for each). Urizen keeps up with his brothers at every turn and seemed to never tire of the "fun". His little body seems to handle the cold better than his brothers, (like me perhaps?) and he just kept running and getting soaked and then going back for more! It was such fun to watch, the three boys were like the tide, running away, dancing and splashing and then all three coming back for "re-assurance" or just the joy of sharing :)... Somehow they would all return at the same time every time, ... It makes me think/ hope that someday this little play will be re-enacted on a grander scale and they will all return "home" to us and share their lives with us periodically and often!
It's been such a nice relaxing week "off': Sebastian off of work, Xander on summer break, Kris here and no Zack for day-care. I know the boys have enjoyed the afternoon swims at the RAC and the time we've had with them. I wish it was longer, one more day and it's back to "work". I guess it's just the way I'm wired, but I feel like the days pass and even though I'm home with my loves, I never have enough time with just them, with each soul in my care. I find myself occupied with meals and laundry, shopping and chauffering to lessons, paying bills and taking care of kitties, trying to think about the future and at the same time trying to carve a niche in the never-ending organizing and de-cluttering and cleaning of daily life. Add to that the inevitable home repairs, leaky faucets, old doorknobs, ants in the walls, plants to transplant and the yard to care for, I could go on and on. I never seem to get to a place where I feel like I'm "caught up"! And yet, that is life, that is the journey I am on, and I only pray that my boys will remember times spent laughing and playing, learning and listening, helping and discovering. Hopefully their memories won't be only of the tediousness of me nagging to "pick up" and "eat your vegetables" and "don't argue with your brothers" and "please! just do your homework/school/practice without complaining?!?!?". Motherhood is so amazing and so much my fulfillment. I revel in and cherish each snuggle and each "I love you mama", and I wish I could keep them little forever!. But I also love how Xander and Tennyson have grown and how wonderful they each are as individuals and I love watching Urizen follow in their footsteps.
My prayer tonight is for joy and laughter and summer fun and happy memories of the all encompassing love Sebastian and I have for our three little guys. Thank-you Lord for this life and please give me many more years with my boys :)
“Summer will end soon enough, and childhood as well.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones
We said goodbye to Gizmo on June 20th. Poor little guy, he'd had a hard time of it the last few months and had finally stopped eating. It was so hard to watch, and my heart ached every time I saw Sebastian trying to get him to eat something, anything throughout the day. He was such a sweet member of our family, ... our "armchair" leopard, ... the first anniversary present I gave Sebastian, ... the "baby" we had before we had babies!
Sebastian and I went together to the vet. Gizmo was calm and not in pain, (we'd given him a pain med on Tuesday), he seemed like he knew, even on the ride there, ... he didn't "cry" or "talk" like he usually did in the car. I think he knew Sebastian was there and that somehow, this was all as it should be. He'd had a lot of time outside in the sun the last few days, enjoying the warmth of the deck and the heat of the summer. I'm so glad he made it past the winter. He was such a desert cat and loved the heat and sun on his fur.
I'm so glad Sebastian was with me in letting him go, ... though I know how hard it was on him. My Love, you said good bye to one of your best friends, ...I wish you could have "held" him longer!
Thursday we took a "day off" and went on an impromptu trip to the zoo :) The boys had a blast and it was sheer joy to see little Urizen dancing and jumping with glee when he saw the penguins swimming, the prairie dogs "hopping" and the goats clamoring for affection! He's at the perfect age for the zoo and hopefully we can get back there a few more times this year!
There were so many moments yesterday that stood out for me, ... how big Xander has gotten, how Tennyson too has grown, yet is still "little": crying over spilled ice cream and a bit scared of the Dinosaur exhibit. All the boys were a joy though, and I hope I always remember their laughter and squeals of joy running through the playground area, climbing and sliding and spinning and "discovering"! The fountains at the end of the day were wonderful, the boys were overjoyed when I told them to "go for it" and get wet :) (Unbeknownst to them, I'd brought a change of clothes for each). Urizen keeps up with his brothers at every turn and seemed to never tire of the "fun". His little body seems to handle the cold better than his brothers, (like me perhaps?) and he just kept running and getting soaked and then going back for more! It was such fun to watch, the three boys were like the tide, running away, dancing and splashing and then all three coming back for "re-assurance" or just the joy of sharing :)... Somehow they would all return at the same time every time, ... It makes me think/ hope that someday this little play will be re-enacted on a grander scale and they will all return "home" to us and share their lives with us periodically and often!
It's been such a nice relaxing week "off': Sebastian off of work, Xander on summer break, Kris here and no Zack for day-care. I know the boys have enjoyed the afternoon swims at the RAC and the time we've had with them. I wish it was longer, one more day and it's back to "work". I guess it's just the way I'm wired, but I feel like the days pass and even though I'm home with my loves, I never have enough time with just them, with each soul in my care. I find myself occupied with meals and laundry, shopping and chauffering to lessons, paying bills and taking care of kitties, trying to think about the future and at the same time trying to carve a niche in the never-ending organizing and de-cluttering and cleaning of daily life. Add to that the inevitable home repairs, leaky faucets, old doorknobs, ants in the walls, plants to transplant and the yard to care for, I could go on and on. I never seem to get to a place where I feel like I'm "caught up"! And yet, that is life, that is the journey I am on, and I only pray that my boys will remember times spent laughing and playing, learning and listening, helping and discovering. Hopefully their memories won't be only of the tediousness of me nagging to "pick up" and "eat your vegetables" and "don't argue with your brothers" and "please! just do your homework/school/practice without complaining?!?!?". Motherhood is so amazing and so much my fulfillment. I revel in and cherish each snuggle and each "I love you mama", and I wish I could keep them little forever!. But I also love how Xander and Tennyson have grown and how wonderful they each are as individuals and I love watching Urizen follow in their footsteps.
My prayer tonight is for joy and laughter and summer fun and happy memories of the all encompassing love Sebastian and I have for our three little guys. Thank-you Lord for this life and please give me many more years with my boys :)
“Summer will end soon enough, and childhood as well.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones
Growing Pains
Funny how wonderful and challenging parenting can be in one and the same breath! This school year is going fast already and Urizen is nearly ONE!!!! Wow, time flies, and babies grow and life in all it's beautiful magnificence just passes in a heartbeat!
(It's August of 2012 and I realize I never finished or posted this! I'm posting now to remind me to finish these musings lest I forget ... as I have!... what I wanted to say at the time! ;) )
(It's August of 2012 and I realize I never finished or posted this! I'm posting now to remind me to finish these musings lest I forget ... as I have!... what I wanted to say at the time! ;) )
New beginnings and endings at the same time...
Ah me, tonight marks a near final moment I feel ...
Xander, little night-owl that he is, asked for food again at 10:30, after dinner at Michelle's house and then dinner here at home two hours later! I gave him cereal and milk and Sebastian asked Xanderman if he wanted to watch him play video games while he ate. I went up-stairs for a long over-due bath (the two littlest boys were asleep) and an hour later when I returned I found Xander fast asleep in the recliner. Curled around Chiara, Xander looked so little once again... I had a flashback to his "baby-days"...Wasn't it yesterday that I held him in my arms for the first time? He was already wise and "old". His soul shone through his little dark eyes as he gazed deep into mine. I felt like I was looking at the reflection of God. This little being had been in the presence of some "Other", some absolutely wonderful, perfect and incredible Being. I'll never forget for as long as I draw breath, how it felt to hold this perfect first child of our Love...
Tonight, as I picked up this little man, (no longer a slight 8 pounds, but more like 50!), I struggled to lift his dead weight. He whimpered in his sleep and mumbled something unintelligible, then clutched me tight. His arms around my neck, his pre-adolescent body not quite knowing what to do with legs stretched out straight ...(Tennyson will still fall into old habits when asleep and curl himself around me). But then, as I held him tight and whispered good night, he tucked his face into my neck... his body relaxed and he let me hold him... carrying him to his bunk-bed I nearly cried. I won't be able to do this much longer. Is this the last time? As I lifted him above my shoulders to get him into his bed and tucked him in, touching his hair and tucking his animals in next to him, I treasured this moment. ... Only hours earlier he had been shooting arrows into a target, ... running wildly in the grass and into the woods... a true boy. Xander, ... you are so grown up so often, taking care of your brothers, .... always trying to do what's "right", ... taking in the world and learning so many wonderful things, ... Latin, piano, Taekwondo, ... it's incredible to me and also heart-rending. My little boy, all too soon I see you growing up!
My one prayer tonight for you my little man is that you know how much I love you and how much you are my friend. You truly are the offspring of my heart. A firstborn to the core, ... you are "me" in so many ways, ... yet still you take after Sebastian and you are so much just yourself! (With a little bit of my Dad thrown in :)! ) I hope you understand how much I want to spend time with just you, ... how I yearn to listen to you talk for hours about Minecraft or movies or whatever your interest of the day is. You give so much and are so patient when the day is filled with little ones that demand attention. I pray you never feel regret (though I doubt you will, you understand so well about the needs of life!). I also pray that this year I can devote more individual time to just you and your brothers in turn. I'd love to go do something with just you my not so little Xander (and with each of your brothers)! I'll strive to do so this year and give us both wonderful memories to share :)
I love you my Xanderman, ... sleep well and dream of castles and buildings and "red-blocks" and movies. :) I LOVE YOU!!!! Forever and ever and ever and ever! Your Mama xoxoxo
Xander, little night-owl that he is, asked for food again at 10:30, after dinner at Michelle's house and then dinner here at home two hours later! I gave him cereal and milk and Sebastian asked Xanderman if he wanted to watch him play video games while he ate. I went up-stairs for a long over-due bath (the two littlest boys were asleep) and an hour later when I returned I found Xander fast asleep in the recliner. Curled around Chiara, Xander looked so little once again... I had a flashback to his "baby-days"...Wasn't it yesterday that I held him in my arms for the first time? He was already wise and "old". His soul shone through his little dark eyes as he gazed deep into mine. I felt like I was looking at the reflection of God. This little being had been in the presence of some "Other", some absolutely wonderful, perfect and incredible Being. I'll never forget for as long as I draw breath, how it felt to hold this perfect first child of our Love...
Tonight, as I picked up this little man, (no longer a slight 8 pounds, but more like 50!), I struggled to lift his dead weight. He whimpered in his sleep and mumbled something unintelligible, then clutched me tight. His arms around my neck, his pre-adolescent body not quite knowing what to do with legs stretched out straight ...(Tennyson will still fall into old habits when asleep and curl himself around me). But then, as I held him tight and whispered good night, he tucked his face into my neck... his body relaxed and he let me hold him... carrying him to his bunk-bed I nearly cried. I won't be able to do this much longer. Is this the last time? As I lifted him above my shoulders to get him into his bed and tucked him in, touching his hair and tucking his animals in next to him, I treasured this moment. ... Only hours earlier he had been shooting arrows into a target, ... running wildly in the grass and into the woods... a true boy. Xander, ... you are so grown up so often, taking care of your brothers, .... always trying to do what's "right", ... taking in the world and learning so many wonderful things, ... Latin, piano, Taekwondo, ... it's incredible to me and also heart-rending. My little boy, all too soon I see you growing up!
My one prayer tonight for you my little man is that you know how much I love you and how much you are my friend. You truly are the offspring of my heart. A firstborn to the core, ... you are "me" in so many ways, ... yet still you take after Sebastian and you are so much just yourself! (With a little bit of my Dad thrown in :)! ) I hope you understand how much I want to spend time with just you, ... how I yearn to listen to you talk for hours about Minecraft or movies or whatever your interest of the day is. You give so much and are so patient when the day is filled with little ones that demand attention. I pray you never feel regret (though I doubt you will, you understand so well about the needs of life!). I also pray that this year I can devote more individual time to just you and your brothers in turn. I'd love to go do something with just you my not so little Xander (and with each of your brothers)! I'll strive to do so this year and give us both wonderful memories to share :)
I love you my Xanderman, ... sleep well and dream of castles and buildings and "red-blocks" and movies. :) I LOVE YOU!!!! Forever and ever and ever and ever! Your Mama xoxoxo
Monday, May 28, 2012
Midnight Musings
It's late and I must get to bed, this "cold" (or something ) has been hanging on for a month now!!! This weekend was so lovely though, sleeping in, hanging out with my boys at the pool, just enjoying the beautiful Midwest spring!
Tonight had three lovely moments that I want to remember, ...
First, little Urizen, after brushing teeth, ran out on the deck. The crescent moon hung over the variegated maple and the gusts of wind blew the trees in the twilight. "Mama, ... come!" his little voice exclaimed. "Mama, hold you????" he said endearingly, reaching up to me. I leaned down and he leapt into my arms, clinging with legs and arms like a tiny primate to my torso. I walked outside and looked up. "There" he pointed... "Up??? There???... Walk? ... FUN?!?!?" As he said this his little right leg stretched out and away and up to the sky.
Urizen ADORES the moon, and looks for it every time he's outside. He already knows that it doesn't appear during the day, but if he's outside and it's nearing nightfall, he searches the sky, straining to see where it might be. It's as if it's a friend or a magical thing to be taken hold of. I wonder if his future hold some unimagined connection to "Lune'". Only the future will tell. .... I will hold on to this glorious memory, and forever feel the way it was to hold him and adore God's creation together!
And Tennyson, ... you were tired tonight my love. You had a day of new experiences. The waterslide at the RAC, ... more daring swimming and jumping than you had in the past, ... lots of sun and water and fun. Once we'd FINALLY gotten you and your brothers in bed and I was snuggled between you and Urizen, I thought you'd relax and get the rest your little body needed. After prayers and while singing "Tender Shepherd" however, you were still squirming. You kept putting your hand on my arm and I thought you were reaching for my hand, when I tried to shake you off and grab your hand, you lost it. In tears you cried at me for not letting you hold my arm! I tried to explain my misunderstanding, but to no avail. You were too tired and too distraught at my perceived dismissal of affections. My heart ached, and I realized there was no way of convincing you that I hadn't understood. I tried a different tactic of singing a made up song of our day and dreaming about things you love. ... "Flying with Peter Pan, dancing with Winnie the Pooh, battling with Pokemon, talking with Ben 10, ....traveling to Mars and Venus and the farthest galaxy, the places you can visit and the people you can see when you are dreaming"... you stopped crying and listened for a while, but then tears sprang anew and you sobbed "it's just so wonderful, that song makes me cry! You are singing about so many nice things!"
Ah, my little sensitive one. My one prayer for you lately is that you know, REALLY know how much you are loved and what an amazing person you are. I worry that you hold things in and while on the outside don't seem to be bothered by things, you really internalize them and don't think that well of yourself. I pray that is not the case and only a mother's overprotective concern!
Tomorrow I will try to have some special time with just you, my middle child, dear one of my heart!
And Xander, strong so much of the time. You are an amazing little man already. I know your dad and I expect much of you and probably don't let you "be a kid" as much as we should. I hope this summer you can have some unhindered "boy time" and just let loose and be crazy and free! How I feel so horrible when the few times you want "closeness" is when it's not really possible! Tonight you once again wanted to snuggle in bed with Tennyson, and Urizen and I. Four bodies just won't fit in that twin bunk, Urizen falls out as it is. I tried to explain that we could try a different sleeping situation in the summer, ... but you too were worn out from today and just too tired. I know you handled it though and went to sleep well. Thank-you my little love, growing up so fast, for all you do to "take care" of me and help me! I hope you know how VERY much you are appreciated and loved!
Well, I must sleep or I'll never get better! I love you my three "little men", ... now to go snuggle with my Love.
xoxoxoxo your "Mama"
Tonight had three lovely moments that I want to remember, ...
First, little Urizen, after brushing teeth, ran out on the deck. The crescent moon hung over the variegated maple and the gusts of wind blew the trees in the twilight. "Mama, ... come!" his little voice exclaimed. "Mama, hold you????" he said endearingly, reaching up to me. I leaned down and he leapt into my arms, clinging with legs and arms like a tiny primate to my torso. I walked outside and looked up. "There" he pointed... "Up??? There???... Walk? ... FUN?!?!?" As he said this his little right leg stretched out and away and up to the sky.
Urizen ADORES the moon, and looks for it every time he's outside. He already knows that it doesn't appear during the day, but if he's outside and it's nearing nightfall, he searches the sky, straining to see where it might be. It's as if it's a friend or a magical thing to be taken hold of. I wonder if his future hold some unimagined connection to "Lune'". Only the future will tell. .... I will hold on to this glorious memory, and forever feel the way it was to hold him and adore God's creation together!
And Tennyson, ... you were tired tonight my love. You had a day of new experiences. The waterslide at the RAC, ... more daring swimming and jumping than you had in the past, ... lots of sun and water and fun. Once we'd FINALLY gotten you and your brothers in bed and I was snuggled between you and Urizen, I thought you'd relax and get the rest your little body needed. After prayers and while singing "Tender Shepherd" however, you were still squirming. You kept putting your hand on my arm and I thought you were reaching for my hand, when I tried to shake you off and grab your hand, you lost it. In tears you cried at me for not letting you hold my arm! I tried to explain my misunderstanding, but to no avail. You were too tired and too distraught at my perceived dismissal of affections. My heart ached, and I realized there was no way of convincing you that I hadn't understood. I tried a different tactic of singing a made up song of our day and dreaming about things you love. ... "Flying with Peter Pan, dancing with Winnie the Pooh, battling with Pokemon, talking with Ben 10, ....traveling to Mars and Venus and the farthest galaxy, the places you can visit and the people you can see when you are dreaming"... you stopped crying and listened for a while, but then tears sprang anew and you sobbed "it's just so wonderful, that song makes me cry! You are singing about so many nice things!"
Ah, my little sensitive one. My one prayer for you lately is that you know, REALLY know how much you are loved and what an amazing person you are. I worry that you hold things in and while on the outside don't seem to be bothered by things, you really internalize them and don't think that well of yourself. I pray that is not the case and only a mother's overprotective concern!
Tomorrow I will try to have some special time with just you, my middle child, dear one of my heart!
And Xander, strong so much of the time. You are an amazing little man already. I know your dad and I expect much of you and probably don't let you "be a kid" as much as we should. I hope this summer you can have some unhindered "boy time" and just let loose and be crazy and free! How I feel so horrible when the few times you want "closeness" is when it's not really possible! Tonight you once again wanted to snuggle in bed with Tennyson, and Urizen and I. Four bodies just won't fit in that twin bunk, Urizen falls out as it is. I tried to explain that we could try a different sleeping situation in the summer, ... but you too were worn out from today and just too tired. I know you handled it though and went to sleep well. Thank-you my little love, growing up so fast, for all you do to "take care" of me and help me! I hope you know how VERY much you are appreciated and loved!
Well, I must sleep or I'll never get better! I love you my three "little men", ... now to go snuggle with my Love.
xoxoxoxo your "Mama"
Monday, May 21, 2012
Toddlerhood and Individuality!
Oh my, has it really been 9 months since I've last written here! My little ones, I'm so sorry I've gotten so busy. Life marches on, and the hours of the day never increase. Here it is, nearly 2 am, and I have a quiet house. All are sleeping, ... I hear breathing over the monitor and I've checked on Xander and Tennyson. Eight, Five and nearly 20 months. How is it possible that the "newborn" stage is done? I was thinking today about each of the boys. How I had them, jealously, to myself at a day old. With Tnenyson and Urizen, Sebastian had taken the older boys home for a bit, with Xander, it was Sebastian crashing in the chair in the delivery room. Those moments, when fresh to the world I held each of you... I pray every day that Heaven is like that. I hope that memories are relived in every essence. The smell of new life, the weight of each little body, no longer within me but in my arms, the perfect features and magnificent "oneness" with a Creator and a Heaven and my LOVE! For in each little boy I've born and snuggled I see their father, ...
Life is so beautiful and so fleeting. Years fly by in an instant and I have to pause and breathe and remember what is was like to hear my first born start to walk and talk and share his thoughts. Now he talks of Plato and Aristotle, is fascinated by sharks and history and the universe, is enthralled with his dad's story and looks to life with all the excitement that I remember feeling at 8 years old! Your days are filled with school and Taekwondo and piano and your "fun" of "explosions" and Minecraft and books. :) I love you my Xanderman and I can't believe you're nearly halfway to college! How is that possible! In only a little more than a year you will be half the age I was when your dad and I got married. PLEASE Lord, let me cherish this time with my firstborn, let me give him all I can and let him have an amazing life, just as I have!!!!
And Tennyson, starting school next year. You are so amazing, reading and imagining. I see my love (and your dad's) of literature and stories in you. I hope you know how wonderful you really are. You seem to have a way of disappearing into your own work and play and I watch you in your "world " which must be so amazing, peopled with your favorite characters and filled with adventure and heros and villains and who knows what else. There are a few things that I hope and pray Heaven holds. The first is to re-experience all the wonderful memories I have of my three boys, holding them, nursing them, watching them take their first steps, hearing them say "I love you", remembering the way each one feels when I snuggle them at night. The other thing I hope/wish/pray for is that somehow I can see inside their little minds, to witness Xander's "shows" as they used to be called and now his "explosions"... all "movies/stories" in his head. And to see what Tennyson's world looks like, peopled with Mario and Sonic, Link and Skylanders, Pokemon and Bakugan, even Winnie the Pooh and Buzz and Woody and Tinkerbell! Ah, to live life through the eyes of a 5-year-old. I pray that you keep this magic and wonder at the work my Tennyson. School next year is going to be harder for me than for you I think! You are so much my "baby"... oddly enough sometimes more than Urizen even! Where he craves his independence, you treasure your childhood. You are truly like your father and will even come to me in tears saying "I don't want to change Mom, I want to stay this age forever and for YOU to stay this age forever Mom, so you don't ever die!" How much I love you my little "Tata"....I just hope you know it and always hold me in your heart....
Urizen, my baby, and yet so big already! You make me smile every day... your dimple melts my heart and I "cave" when you smile in your little shy/sly way. :) You are so self-aware st this stage, more than your brothers. Where Xander was serious and sensitive and wanted always to please, and Tennyson was so laid-back and in his own world and just, well just a toddler, you seem to be an "old soul" like Xander, beyond your years in understanding and a grasp of the universe, humor and all!. You adore your family and makes my heart melt to think of how lucky are to have your Dad working from home. Our family unit truly is the "norm" for you and when either dad or I am gone, you have quite the hard time! Challenging as that is right now, I treasure it. you are the last "baby" and the last one so reliant on us. I know I'm going to hold on to your "babyhood" for a long time, ... oddly enough you most likely won't let me :) Your new phrase of choice is "I do it myself", and "my do it" :) Yesterday you were SO talkative (and the inspiration for this blog entry) You wanted to get up on the chair where Xander had been working at the computer. I was busy and trying to get stuff done and said "no". You were distraught and crying, ... I held my ground, though I knew what you wanted (to stand on the chair and play with the stereo and phones, etc.). You kept saying "up, up UP!" and then, realizing that I wasn't responding to that, you stated "I want get up chair!" "Pease! Pease!" How could I resist!?!?!? Suffice it to say, you got to play with the stereo :)
You are just growing so fast my little love... You want to drink without a sippy, feed yourself, you want to potty train (and are so proud of yourself when you run to the potty, strip off your diaper and stand there like your brothers do!) You love to draw (circles are a favorite, you'll say "circle, circle, circle" as you draw :)) And you ADORE music and dancing! You'll come running into the kitchen, bouncing and head bobbing/banging the moment I put on the Stills or Silversun Pickups. It's a memory I hope I always hold. Especially the way you smile at me as if we share a secret.
OH! Before I end for tonight, you ran to me today, out of the blue and said "spin, spin spin?" You wanted me to hold your arms and twirl, ... how we did and how I will remember that "picture". Your gleeful face, inches from mine, the world blurry and spinning around us. Just you and me in our own moment in time... Please God, let me have many many more moments like this. And help me to treasure every one!
Thank-you Lord for the most perfect life and amazing family ever. I know how ill deserving I am of it and I thank You every day /moment for the blessing of my Love and my boys.
~Till the next spare moment boys, your Mama :) XOXOXO
Life is so beautiful and so fleeting. Years fly by in an instant and I have to pause and breathe and remember what is was like to hear my first born start to walk and talk and share his thoughts. Now he talks of Plato and Aristotle, is fascinated by sharks and history and the universe, is enthralled with his dad's story and looks to life with all the excitement that I remember feeling at 8 years old! Your days are filled with school and Taekwondo and piano and your "fun" of "explosions" and Minecraft and books. :) I love you my Xanderman and I can't believe you're nearly halfway to college! How is that possible! In only a little more than a year you will be half the age I was when your dad and I got married. PLEASE Lord, let me cherish this time with my firstborn, let me give him all I can and let him have an amazing life, just as I have!!!!
And Tennyson, starting school next year. You are so amazing, reading and imagining. I see my love (and your dad's) of literature and stories in you. I hope you know how wonderful you really are. You seem to have a way of disappearing into your own work and play and I watch you in your "world " which must be so amazing, peopled with your favorite characters and filled with adventure and heros and villains and who knows what else. There are a few things that I hope and pray Heaven holds. The first is to re-experience all the wonderful memories I have of my three boys, holding them, nursing them, watching them take their first steps, hearing them say "I love you", remembering the way each one feels when I snuggle them at night. The other thing I hope/wish/pray for is that somehow I can see inside their little minds, to witness Xander's "shows" as they used to be called and now his "explosions"... all "movies/stories" in his head. And to see what Tennyson's world looks like, peopled with Mario and Sonic, Link and Skylanders, Pokemon and Bakugan, even Winnie the Pooh and Buzz and Woody and Tinkerbell! Ah, to live life through the eyes of a 5-year-old. I pray that you keep this magic and wonder at the work my Tennyson. School next year is going to be harder for me than for you I think! You are so much my "baby"... oddly enough sometimes more than Urizen even! Where he craves his independence, you treasure your childhood. You are truly like your father and will even come to me in tears saying "I don't want to change Mom, I want to stay this age forever and for YOU to stay this age forever Mom, so you don't ever die!" How much I love you my little "Tata"....I just hope you know it and always hold me in your heart....
Urizen, my baby, and yet so big already! You make me smile every day... your dimple melts my heart and I "cave" when you smile in your little shy/sly way. :) You are so self-aware st this stage, more than your brothers. Where Xander was serious and sensitive and wanted always to please, and Tennyson was so laid-back and in his own world and just, well just a toddler, you seem to be an "old soul" like Xander, beyond your years in understanding and a grasp of the universe, humor and all!. You adore your family and makes my heart melt to think of how lucky are to have your Dad working from home. Our family unit truly is the "norm" for you and when either dad or I am gone, you have quite the hard time! Challenging as that is right now, I treasure it. you are the last "baby" and the last one so reliant on us. I know I'm going to hold on to your "babyhood" for a long time, ... oddly enough you most likely won't let me :) Your new phrase of choice is "I do it myself", and "my do it" :) Yesterday you were SO talkative (and the inspiration for this blog entry) You wanted to get up on the chair where Xander had been working at the computer. I was busy and trying to get stuff done and said "no". You were distraught and crying, ... I held my ground, though I knew what you wanted (to stand on the chair and play with the stereo and phones, etc.). You kept saying "up, up UP!" and then, realizing that I wasn't responding to that, you stated "I want get up chair!" "Pease! Pease!" How could I resist!?!?!? Suffice it to say, you got to play with the stereo :)
You are just growing so fast my little love... You want to drink without a sippy, feed yourself, you want to potty train (and are so proud of yourself when you run to the potty, strip off your diaper and stand there like your brothers do!) You love to draw (circles are a favorite, you'll say "circle, circle, circle" as you draw :)) And you ADORE music and dancing! You'll come running into the kitchen, bouncing and head bobbing/banging the moment I put on the Stills or Silversun Pickups. It's a memory I hope I always hold. Especially the way you smile at me as if we share a secret.
OH! Before I end for tonight, you ran to me today, out of the blue and said "spin, spin spin?" You wanted me to hold your arms and twirl, ... how we did and how I will remember that "picture". Your gleeful face, inches from mine, the world blurry and spinning around us. Just you and me in our own moment in time... Please God, let me have many many more moments like this. And help me to treasure every one!
Thank-you Lord for the most perfect life and amazing family ever. I know how ill deserving I am of it and I thank You every day /moment for the blessing of my Love and my boys.
~Till the next spare moment boys, your Mama :) XOXOXO
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