The Love of a Child

Tonight was just one of those nights I guess, ... thankfully there aren't many of them! It had been a busy day, routine Dr.'s visit, errands to be run, swimming lessons to get to, tired little boys to take care of, etc. I was tired and feeling very pregnant. I'd wanted to get to Home Depot to take advantage of a sale for deck stain and fencing stuff. I had an hour till they closed and none of us had had dinner yet. Sebastian came out to help and when I measured the space I wanted to fence in, he was surprised. I hadn't communicated clearly what I was planning I guess and we both had different thoughts entirely on the project. I was unwittingly sarcastic and rude (he thought). I was surprised that we "weren't on the same page" so to speak! I got emotional and couldn't handle making a fast decision. We both needed a break, but the boys saw the quarrel :( . I was crying and Tennyson was concerned. I calmed down and we both apologized, I made dinner and Sebastian played video games with the boys. Funny how bad things or circumstances can be such eye-openers. I hate it when I'm not strong enough to calm down and take things in stride. I was berating myself silently for being a bad example and overall still feeling wiped from emotions and pregnancy hormones. We finished dinner and started the video game back up... Tennyson had been very well-behaved over the meal, eating all his food without complaining, watching a quick show with us quietly (unusual, to say the least, for him recently). I was just thinking how sweet he was being when he turned to me and said, "I love you Mommy ... so much!" giving me the biggest hug and kiss ever.
How could a 3 year old know more than anyone else what I needed? All I wanted was to be hugged, reassured in the knowledge of love despite my outburst! Both Sebastian and Xander had been really nice and Sebastian had apologized (as I had), ... but somehow this was different. Tennyson, my self-involved little boy of late, cuddled up next to me and somehow all my disappointment and frustration with myself melted away. As he snuggled next to me and we both drifted off watching Sebastian and Xander play, I treasured the moment, ...the multitude of kisses he'd given me and the complete lack of inhibition with which he'd said he loved me so many times.
I wish I hadn't had an emotional episode, ... I wish I could take back my response to Sebastian and the way I came across to him... But then I wouldn't have had my "baby" show me just how much he's grown and how much he cares. And I wouldn't have grown from the experience either. ... I am a flawed human being, and try as I might, I'm constantly reminded of it. Perfection is not my desire, but it's so hard for me to forgive myself when I hurt those I love. Yet little Tennyson goes and shows me that no matter my weakness, I'm still loved and cherished and not thought less of. I don't deserve my two boys, ... or such and amazing husband and friend.
Thank-you, Lord, for showing me in the midst of the "everyday" the incredible greatness of human love and Your love that started it all.

Being a Mom....

Ah me, ... this pregnancy seems harder and more unpredictable than the other two... then again, I'm only at 16 weeks :)

Little guy (or girl!) is only 3 inches long right now! Funny how something that small can effect me so! The nausea is abating somewhat, thankfully, though the tiredness still comes and goes. I don't know if this is something I'll want to go through again or not!

The hardest thing, for me, is just letting go and accepting that the house will be a mess, the boys will have to amuse themselves more, more tv, etc. But at least we're almost halfway there! Before I realize it, these little ones that God has blessed me with will be not so little, ... and my house will be clean and projects will get done, ... but I'll miss THIS time!

Memories of a little boy who used to be 2 :)

I was just having flashbacks tonight of Xander at 2 and half. I was remembering in particular a wedding we went to, and staying at the hotel, Xander had never seen television, so was totally confused by the commercials... he wanted to skip them and get back to the show! "What is this Dad? where's the show?" And then, watching the news, he turned to us and said, "that man is talking to ME! He's talking to ME, Mom!"

After the wedding on the return trip we stopped at a hamburger place that was alien themed. Xander loved it, (space has always been an interest) and then to top if off, a giant Alien walked around the room and Xander was both thrilled and intrigued and a bit scared, but had to go see him none-the-less.

I also remember how Xander used to play with my hair. He's been sick this week and last night as he fell asleep he reached up and played with my hair again... oh the memories that brought back! (I hope you do it a few more times in your childhood my son!)

Well, pregnancy this time around is not very fun... I'm ready to be over this trimester and it's only beginning! I must get to bed, but I'll write some more "2" year memories down soon. :)
Love you Xander-man! xoxoxo ~Mom

Terrific Two's

Just wanted to jot down a few thoughts tonight on Tennyson, ... my "baby" (though not for MUCH longer now!)

"Tata"... you are such a dear, sweet little boy. I just LOVE this age, ... so curious, learning so much, so cuddly and so loving! Today (and about once a day for the past week) you just came running up to me and gave me a huge hug and said "I love you mommy!". At music you looked up smilingly at me, enjoying so that I was spending the time with you. And tonight you made your dad and I laugh so hard at your singing and "spinning" and dancing! The songs you were making up, about a banana that fell in the fishy water and swam to a volcano and fought a dragon! You could be such an actor my son ;)

You've said so many quirky and intelligent things lately... you were playing with a little penguin toy and said you wanted to go outside in the backyard with him. I said no, as it was too cold right now and you turned to me, and looking very quizzical and a bit disturbed, said, "Mommy, but penguins like the cold!" What could I say? :) You were quite right!
Seeing the reflection in the mirrored glass of the grocery store you said, ... "Mommy, look at the pretty picture in there of the city!"
And Disneyland made SUCH an impression on you... a few days ago you said, ... "When can we go to Disneyland again mommy? I promise I won't hit Mickey!?!?!? Today, as were driving home after dropping Xander off at school, you pipe up from the back seat. "Is Mickey asleep or awake in his castle Mommy?" I said maybe he was sleeping and you said "NO Mommy, he awake, because the sun is shining and it's a beautiful day outside!... I want to go to Disneyland Mommy, not today, but right now?!?? I have 5 moneys Mommy, can we go please???" Oh! My dear, it made me so sad to have to tell you that we couldn't go for a long time, ... I sure wish we could afford to take you again SOON!

Well my little snuggle-bug, ... mama's tired and I want to go cuddle with you. I'll write more soon!
Love, Mama

And then, there were FIVE!

Oh my, it's official! Two pregnancy tests positive and symptoms starting to show! I'm going to have a "little" one again! I'm so excited and thrilled (and a bit scared! Will I be able to handle 3?!?)
God is so good and so amazing, ... I worried that maybe we wouldn't have another, getting so sick back in October screwed up my cycles so, and I think for the month of November and December I didn't even ovulate. But how silly of me, sure enough, come January and the new year of 2010, I felt ovulation and I knew, ... somehow I'd known even the night before that you, my little 3rd one, were coming!
(It was rather funny, telling Sebastian about the positive test was almost a side-note... we both "knew" already. He figured I was (he thought I was "glowing"!) and he said if I HADN'T been pregnant, he would have been surprised! Oh my Love, you are so amazing, to want another child and be thrilled along with me! AND to be so supportive of my sickness during pregnancy!

SO, the due date is September 25th! (Though I imagine it'll be an October baby, I'm guessing around the 5th?) I'm 6 weeks along! HOW AMAZING IS THAT! :) So far we've told very few people, I kind of like that it's our little "secret"... We haven't even told the boys yet... I'd kind of like to make that "special" somehow.

Oh my little one, I already love you so!

At 6 weeks of pregnancy, your baby's heart should now be beating at about 100 to 140 beats per minute and blood will start circulating throughout your baby's body.

How incredible, your little heart is already beating and you are already experiencing touch! Oh my sweet baby. It's so wonderful to have another!

It's funny how your heart always has room for another. I remember with Xander, I worried that I couldn't love another one like I loved him. And then we met Tennyson and he's my sweet blue-eyed little reader and singer and cuddler... my "baby" for right now (and I'm treasuring this last bit of time when he IS the baby... ) It's funny, what a struggle in a way motherhood is... you love each child so completely and so fully, ... and I always feel that perhaps I "short" them a bit by having another... did Xander lose something when Tennyson entered the picture? Did Tennyson never get something that Xander had implicitly, being the firstborn? Will this little one take away from Tennyson's "place"? Will this little one get enough of my time with two older brothers already? And then my doubts fade, ... for truly, what wonders my boys are, ... my two favorite people besides Sebastian... I love having my days with them, and being SO BLESSED with this time with them! Thankyou GOD! This truly is heaven on earth...

You are entering a home full of love, little one. You are already a part of me... and SO looked forward to! I can't wait to feel you move and hear your heartbeat! I hope you are growing safe and well... may God keep you ALWAYS.

I love you little Urizen or Quintessa ... and I love YOU Tennyson, ... and YOU Xander, ... and especially YOU my Sebastian!

Good night my boys and baby!