LIFE! How quickly it flies...

Ah me, ...I wish I didn't need sleep or that somehow there were more hours in the day, or two of me! And yet, isn't that my challenge as well? ... to accept, to BE, and cherish every moment that I'm in?

Do the moments that I've loved, that are burned in my memory, lose their essence and piquancy by my NOT recording them in print? Perhaps,... at least for posterity, and yet they will always be mine. Mine are the memories of a little boys' first hesitant day of school, ... the thrill to a new experience and the excitement of new friends, new "play" and new learning. Yet also the tears that kicked in after that first week. The few days when, even though there was no reason he could give, he didn't want to let go of my hand, my embrace. (How you clutched me Xander, holding tight, ... to me? Or to the end of "baby-hood"? The knowledge that the days of non-scheduled play were gone... could you know that at 5?) And yet, how quickly too you adapted, ... accepting the current state of being, and joyfully learning each day.

I love how you share your days with me. I'm such a lucky mom, other parents say their children don't share at all, and you, (my verbal firstborn!) tell me so much! I love hearing you reiterate the things you did, the way Ms. Ginelle taught something, the "rewards" you earned by listening, etc. I know you enjoy it, ... and I'm so glad this year is half day's and lots of vacations. I think I'm going to be in for more of a rude awakening next year! How will I deal with you gone ALL DAY! I pray God helps me through it :) And your brother, ... Tennyson won't know what to do with himself!

Memories, how strange that I can look back at the 3 months (!!!) since my last entry and see so many clear images in my head. The way Xander smiles at me across the gym floor, ... the way Tennyson LOVES life and voices it! (No "inside" voice for him!) The way Sebastian takes care of all of us and treasures me, even in my weaknesses! Oh Lord, please help me to not worry so, and to treasure each day. To accept what you give and what is my current life. I desire so NOT to be my mother in some ways, even though I loved her! I want to be peaceful and happy and not have my children feel stress about me or my reactions to them. I know I get frustrated and yet maybe beating myself up about it is not the answer. I need to accept that I'm imperfect and perhaps find a way to step back, to take a mommy "time-out" and ask Sebastian to step in. I pray I can grow in that way. But I digress, I wanted to post in here how many wonderful things have happened in the last 3 months! Starting school for Xander, ... new experiences every day for Tennyson, patents for Sebastian, and a vacation! (The last in a while, which is perhaps why I treasure it so!) California was awesome and the boys were absolutely wonderful.

I will always remember the feeling that Disneyland has in the fall, ... the way it was to walk down Main Street with the boys, and see Tennyson's face when he saw the "castle"! The way Tata was thrilled to see Mickey, but when he(Mickey) tried to give him a second kiss, Tennyson had had enough and punched/ pushed him in the nose! The excitement that only a 2-year-old can have (and the dismay when he was sprayed in the face by the water parade!) The way Xander wanted so much to ride on the "big" rides, but when actually faced with them his imagination took hold and he wanted nothing to do with it! (It was a struggle to get him to go on Star Tours and the Matterhorn, but he loved both ... did Start Tours 3 times!) "NEXT TIME" he said, when I'm 8 or 10 Mom! THEN I'll go on Thunder Mountain and Space Mountain and Splash Mountain and even Indiana Jones and Tower of Terror! ;) Ah my little man.... it frustrated your dad, but I don't mind, you'll want to go on all those things soon enough, might as well save some "magic" for the future!

And Tennyson, ... loving Pirates of the Caribbean, (It scared Xander). Going on it twice and begin so big about everything. You've talked about it ever since, remembering the craziest things, like how we didn't go on Dumbo the first day because it was too crowded. (We did go the 3rd day) and how Xander got hurt on the lady-bug ride. (You love your brother so, ... I hope you always stay close and friends!) The pumpkins, ... the Halloween ride (Haunted Mansion redone for Halloween), It's a small world, Buzz Light-year, how we dressed up as Spiderman, Wolverine, Thor and Spiderwoman :) so many things you remember!

And me, ... I was tired and so was Sebastian. We had a great time though... I remember so many little moments. Getting food for everyone at the Pizza Planet, ... the way the sun hit Tennyson's hair on It's a Small World, the way the boys danced to Elvis music while waiting in line for Nemo. ... Not so great times, like the way Xander wanted so badly to be in Jedi Training and yet wouldn't raise his hand, didn't know what to do, ... kept looking at us for approval and was overall pretty dismayed because he didn't know how to get "in" and I think he knew how upset Dad was and I was for Dad being upset! :( ... Sebastian being tired and me feeling bad for being stressed... hmmm wish I didn't do that!

Overall though it was SO much fun, perhaps more so for the few tired and not-so-great moments! I treasure all the little times, the beach where we watched the sunset and gathered shells and flew kites and "battled". Seeing my dad in San Diego, the dinners out, the smell and feel of the "Happiest Place on Earth", ... grabbing a coffee with just Tennyson while Xander and Dad went on a ride. Holding Xander's hand while we tried to go on Thunder Mountain. Holding Sebastian's hand when we walked into the ocean, and glancing over at him on the flight back as two little boys slept soundly. Tom Sawyer island where the boys loved exploring the Pirate Caves, ... the smiles and intensity as they watched and took in EVERYTHING on each and every ride! (I hope in heaven I can relive it exactly as it was!) Vacations are amazing... and my family is my most precious treasure. Thank-you Lord for them and for the time to enjoy them!


More to come, too tired to type anymore, ... love to my soulmate, my firstborn and my baby :) sleep well my boys!

The end of "babyhood"

5 weeks, ... only a bit more than a month and your little boy-hood is officially over. School and friends and your own identity, separate from my own. I know you will soar, and yet still I worry, and obsess and I imagine all the ways in which I might do things differently.

My Xanderman, ... you are growing up so fast and I just pray every day that I've "done enough", ... that I don't miss the opportunities that I have with you. I can't believe it's been nearly 6 years we've had together! (Oh my, ... 10 more years and you're DRIVING! How is that possible! In less time than your dad and I have know each other, you'll be about ready to start college! OH DEAR, ... I feel the tears coming.) It's so amazing to watch you grow up and see your development, ... and yet at the same time it's so scary, ... and crazy, ... that my baby will be "gone". Still, every day I revel in your accomplishments, and I embrace the independence and am glad for it. (When you're too "needy" some days, I just wish you would be more self sufficient!) But then I get nostalgic and I think of holding you for the first time, as your eyes looked into mine, I was "in love" for life!

I still remember how it felt to hold you as you nursed, ... to snuggle you in tight as you fell asleep, ... I'm sad that you don't remember nursing really. I'd hoped you would! You were 3 and a half when you stopped and you loved it so. I wonder if we were right in "encouraging" you to stop!?!?!? We left it up to you and told you that when you were ready, we'd have a "Stop Nursing Party" and you'd get cupcakes and a "big boy" present. You understood and nursed for two more days, then wanted to have the "party". You loved picking out Star Wars cupcakes and you got a HUGE Batman Lego set as a gift. You were "ok" that night and went to sleep without nursing, but the next night you were so sad! It was SO hard for me to stand firm and insist that you had decided :( I hope I did the right thing, and that you weren't negatively affected! (I'm sure some day you'll read this and laugh at your 'worrying" mother!)
I love that you still remember (a little) what it was like. You'll say it was warm and soft and safe, ... and that it tasted like watermelon! :) And that you liked it better than cupcakes! (Which for you is saying a lot!)

Oh, my Xander... I pray that God gives you a glorious future and that you always remain close! I love you so much and I hope you have the most amazing life ever!

Fleeting...

Gone are the silky fingers wrapped around one of mine ...

Gone is the soft palm and tightly clutched fist holding on firmly as you view the wide world ...

Gone is the ability to enclose your tiny hand in my own, like a little bird held safe in it's nest...



Callouses now line the base of every finger, -each one a testament to monkey bars and rope swings, shovels and tree trunks...

Your hand is tougher and yet looser too, - your fingers intertwine with mine, your palm, though still smaller is no longer dwarfed by my own. You grab my hand not for safety or security, but rather just to share.

You are my firstborn, ... my love, ... my friend. You are my baby and my sweetheart and at the same time my challenge and my consternation.

How does a mother let go? And yet how can I begin to hold on to a bird who must fly?

Musings, late at night!

Not sure how long this post will be. It's been forever since Ive written and I felt the need for some positive writing or creativity, rather than typical bill paying or future planning, etc!

Funny how my days go by so fast and I look back and realize weeks have passed and the "day to day" has obscured my little "remembrance's" of the boys!

I'm trying to plan a trip to San Diego right now, ... we really shouldn't go as we don't have any money saved, but I so want to! Tennyson will be a bit younger than Xander was when we went last. I was about 11 weeks pregnant with him, and I was feeling pretty yucky. I still had a great time though and I would just LOVE a beach vacation with my three boys! Oh, I pray we can figure it out, ... it would be lovely.

Still, if not, life is good regardless! My Love is as wonderful as ever. We are so blessed to have the time together we do. How amazing and wonderful is it that we live at this time and this place and he happened upon this job at IBM where he gets to work from home! I love having him here, ... turning around and seeing him smile over a link, ... or seeing him focused on his work when his forehead puckers just a bit, ... sharing the same music, the same view out the window, the same little funny things the boys say throughout the day. I love that as I type this I can hear him playing video games in the next room and feel his presence here with me. Heaven had better be like this, ... with all my boys nearby :)!!!

Alexander is growing so fast! I look at him and I can't believe it has already been more than 5 and half years since he entered my life. (more than 6 really, ... he made himself felt quite keenly even before birth ;) !!!) I see this little boy/ man and it's the strangest mixture of watching a hyper mature 5 going on 12 year-old and yet also, a little boy who loves being little and playing and just being silly.

At the park the other day (I took the boys after Kris and Les left, so nice to spend a whole day just playing!) Xander put on a "show" for me, probably at least 30 minutes worth, about God and Satan fighting. It was incredible, ... he was able to convey through his movements and entire battle and epic saga of this eternal struggle. He had an ongoing commentary of course, about the size of the battle ground, the weapons (lighting and such), the fact that God would never be defeated by the Devil, etc. It was so endearing to watch, ... things like this always get me thinking about what he will end up as in the future :) (Film Director? Sci Fi writer? Philosopher? Some scientific field as yet to be discovered?) I hope I stay healthy and have a long life to be able to see him grow up! Oh, ... I love you my first born!

Tennyson, ... you, like your brother have such a memory! Today, when I said we needed to go to Target and then the Dr's, you piped up from the back seat, "We going to see Dr. McCoy?" It's been 4 weeks or so since you saw her! ?!?!? HOW did you remember that? And then we were listening to "Queens of the Stone Age: Lullabies to Paralyze" and you were just taking it in quietly and then all of a sudden your little voice pipes up "this is tamborine music mama!"
(We haven't been to music class since the spring! How do you recognize that!?!?!? My little musical child!)

Well, ... it IS late, ... more on here soon!

Growing Pains

Parenting is so wonderful and yet such a challenge at times. Today was one of the first times when I've seen Xander start to "test the waters" of rebellion. It wasn't anything big, to most people it would be laughable even. He IS five and a half, and beyond his years in so many ways. I'm sure I tested my mother long before I was his age.

It was just a little thing, we'd been at the park with play-group for over 2 hours. Xander had been "sensitive" all day... every little thing that went wrong would provoke tears or anger. I knew he was tired and I wasn't surprised that he showed it, but it hurt a bit just the same.

As I was getting Tennyson into our car, Xander was saying "good-bye" to his best friend and I warned him not to climb into said friends car and that we needed to go. He said his goodbyes and came toward me, then turned and ran back into the other mini-van. I said I'd count to 3 and got to "2", he came, but was very mad. He looks me in the eye and says "I wish Michelle had 4 boys instead of just 3!" And stormed off into his seat. I understood that he was mad and I know it's natural for kids to see others lives as "better" than their own. Being who I am however, it gave me pause and I haven't been able to get it out of my thoughts for the rest of the evening.

What was he saying by this statement? Do I demand too much of him? Am I not the "fun" mother I used to be?... Thinking about it, I can't remember the last time I just sat down with him and FOCUSED on playing. We have a lot of fun together and I spend one-on-one time with him every day at least for school if not just talking or helping him with some project or another. But when was the last time I fostered just fun "nothing" time?

Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering.”

Winnie the Pooh

Of course, today/tonight when I really want to change and give Xander a fun day tomorrow, ... I have much to accomplish. Still, I suppose that too is a lesson for me, ... what can I NOT do tomorrow

"I Mommy's Little Baby"

My little Tennyson, aka "Tata" aka the "Tatanator"... You are growing so fast, ... hard to believe that you are almost the age that Xander was when I got pregnant with you!

You are my little smiler, and today you were so sweet, so "connected"... I love how you look deep into my eyes and have no urge to look away. You and your brother seem to be able to delve into my soul and see the secrets there. The feeling I get when I hold you in my arms and we are forehead to forehead, mere inches apart, our eyes meeting... I feel an all encompassing peace, a sense of rightness and perfection and wholeness all in one. God has created such an amazing state of being with parenthood. To have this child who is part of you and your soul-mate, and your parents and grandparents who have come before, and to see the glimpses of your heritage through the veil of their own little beings is just incredible! And then, the glimpses are gone and they are just themselves, ... this complete, whole, unique soul who is the greatest gift you could have for the few precious years you have them with you.

Thank-you God for this gift of motherhood...


Tennyson was in a "baby" mood today, not acting like a baby, but analyzing his "place" in our family. He wanted to snuggle a lot and said in the afternoon, "I Mama's little baby" ... "I a baby, Mommy" Oh, but you're getting to be such a big boy Tennyson! "NO, I a baby Mama." ! :)

The boys are so different from each other, even at this age of 2 years. Tennyson seems to be a bit more of a "rebel", testing the limits and giving a little endearing grin as he does so! At this age Xander didn't have to be told "no" as much. He was the typical firstborn not wanting to do anything "wrong". Yet Tennyson is such a caring soul, ... he sincerely wants to share most everything and I'm constantly amazed at his selflessness. Last night when we were heading to bed he says goodnight to Dad and then says "enjoy your game!" as he leaves the room! (Xander at his age would have cried because he wanted to play the game too and not go to bed!) Tennyson will be the one to "take care of me" his dad says :) I remember when he was just a baby, if he ever thought I was getting hurt or even when I'd go to the dr. for a check-up and had to lie on the table, he would just get so worked up! Little Tennyson has a sense of humor too, ... today he made a joke and approached Sebastian, ... "You're the Dadinator!" Needless to say we cracked up! He's tough little boy too, very high pain tolerance, ... in fact the only time he really cries is when his feelings are hurt! (Another difference from his brother, though even Xander has never been one to fuss and whine over every scrape. Xander WILL let you know in no uncertain terms though when he's hurt, ... the entire store, restaurant, or park knows it! )

I love that the boys are so unique though, ... I wondered before I met Tata if he'd just be Xander's little shadow. Apparently Sebastian's and my independence has won out in the gene pool and both boys are extremely self-assured and confident in their own views. I don't worry much about peer pressure for either of them thank-fully!

Little Tennyson, ... as your mom I'm relishing this time when you are still "my baby". I know we'd like to have another child and I feel that it will be soon. I hope you, my little "Tata", don't have too tough a time giving up your "place" as the baby. I love you so much my little blue-eyed boy. Sleep well tonight.

A moment of heaven for Mom :)

Its funny how we view things, ... I get to stay home with my little guys and spend pretty much 24/7 with them, and yet I always feel guilty. So often are the days I wish I had a maid and a cook so that ALL I had to do was teach and experience life with my little loves! Motherhood, well parenthood is like that I suppose. You always wish you could have more time, even when you are doing your best to maximize the time you have!

Xander and Tennyson are growing so fast lately. My little boys are constantly revealing shadows of their future selves. With bittersweet joy, Sebastian and I witness a little more of the metamorphosis with every passing day.

Xander today was reading signs everywhere we went, ... matter-of-factly stating things like, "that says make room, Dad" "that sign says Best Buy", "does that say yield Mom?" It gladdens my heart to see him picking things up like that, ... and makes me feel verified in my choice to continue our learning experience at home with a virtual academy.
I love having an inquisitive little mind to show me anew the world around me. Teaching, I find, ends up being more about learning from the person you're teaching and I LOVE that even at 5 years old Xander challenges me every day! His questions to me recently have ranged from, "How many days are in 6 and half years, Mom? How many in a thousand? Why can't you ever get close enough to a rainbow to touch it? Why does it seem like it takes so long to drive to the airport when it's less time than a movie that I like? Why can't you buy ALL of the pictures of me? (he got his picture taken recently) Mom, if you said "you can turn one dollar into two by selling lemonade", why can't I just give someone a dollar and they give me two back?"

My little man-child. So grown-up and yet still so little. I feel badly so often for the times that I'm pre-occupied and the times that I expect so much of you. I worry that I don't let you "let loose" often enough. I ask a lot from you, expecting you to treat your brother with the care an adult would, expecting you to understand and follow social expectations like an adult, expecting you to pretty behave like a ten year old when you are only 5! It's hard having such an advanced little boy, ... in so many ways you are beyond your years and your dad and I forget and maybe expect more of you than we should. I hope that I can give you more "fun" times, when I can just let you be :) at least that is my feeling tonight, ...I suppose I try very hard to give you a happy childhood every day :)

And Tennyson... this age is so wonderful, so many new discoveries. Colors, shapes, relationships, moods, even letters and sounds are all accomplished skills to you now... But your imagination has soared lately. Tonight was so precious, you kept playing you were a kitty, crawling around the room and saying "meaow! meow! meow!" and then coming to me for a "petting". You SO want to be big like your brother and yet, you are so much more laid back in many ways than your brother was at this age. Things are not as intense as they were for Xander and even though you have a very strong will and get quite upset when your idea's are not followed, you seem to get over it quicker than Xander did. You are not quite as active, either. Don't get me wrong, you run and climb and keep up with your brother all day, but since you've been able to sit up, you have been more of a "focuser". Xander definitely has his moments and he can spend hours doing lego's and now that he's older, never wants me to stop reading him his "Magic Treehouse" books, but for you, little Tennyson, it's different. You love to "read", being able to sit and look at books and figure them out, to work at a puzzle or multiple task toy without being frustrated, that is one of your strong points. Tonight was a case in point and I hope I always remember the way your profile looked when you were lying, still as a statue, next to me. Your little head was next to mine and you were looking up at the pictures as I read "Make Way for Ducklings". With Xander, there would have been squirming, try as he might to lie still, his muscles would keep wiggling. All of your little body was at peace though, ... still, focused. It's a sight to behold when a two-year-old can remain motionless!

Oh! How I love being a Mom! Thankyou God for this moment and this place and these souls in my keeping for now!

I took a nap with Tennyson and Sebastian today and it was such a wonderful feeling waking up... I felt like I was in heaven. I woke up with the feeling/ thought that I wished that heaven would be like this. I pray that is so... Tennyson was snuggled up, all warm and peaceful,... Sebastian was breathing deeply and Xander was finishing up a show in the other room (I knew he was happy)... All was right in my world and I didn't want the moment to end.

I am such a blessed and lucky woman, ...wife, ... and mom.

A bit of history :)

This is excerpted from a note to a friend. It details a bit of the past 10 years, ...

Well, I don't know how detailed I'll get tonight as to my "journey", seeing as how it's nearly 2 am here and all my boys are asleep ;) Still, that's about the only time I get to e-mail anyone!

After the wedding Sebastian and I honeymooned in Coronado (it was magical, to say the least!) and then it was back to work as receptionist and back to school as well. I took one more semester and then decided that school and work and a new marriage were just a lot to handle. I felt like I wasn't having NEARLY the time I wanted to with Sebastian so I stopped the weekend and evening classes. :) I decided (and he agreed) that I'd put him through school and grad school (he was student teaching at the time but that didn't pay enough to live on) and then, he'd support me the rest of our lives so I could stay home with the kids! ;) (I think I got the better end of the bargain!). So, I switched jobs and started waiting tables, (better hours, better pay) and we greatly enjoyed graduate school/ college life and newlywed bliss!.

My mom and dad had a lot of trials at this time, my grandmother died, leaving them some money and they tried to follow their "dream" and build a house in Colorado. They DID build it, but many trials and tribulations later (VERY long story) they ended up having to sell it, losing a lot of money and declaring bankruptcy. That is their story though and not really a happy one. :( In May of 2000, (my parents had moved back to Las Cruces at this time) Stephanie married one of the ushers from my wedding (Kyle, a childhood friend) They now have 4 children and are living in Northern AZ. (He builds spec houses, much like your ex I suppose)

When Sebastian was about to graduate with his Masters, he got a call from IBM. They wanted him to come and complete an internship (with the intent to hire) with them here in Rochester, MN. We packed up our 3 cats and our belongings and headed up here, sight unseen. :) It was fortuitious, he didn't even have to interview! We moved up in January and it was a COLD winter! There was still snow on the ground in early May and we were a bit disillusioned. Not knowing anyone and the insecurity of the job market was a bit tough, that and the "shock" of the real world after college! ;) (though looking back, we were just young I think, and leaving all we knew!). When he completed his masters and submitted his thesis, he was offered a job... we decided to stay and bought a house since it was cheaper than renting. We intended to only stay in the house for 3 years or so, ... find something we liked better down the road. We're still here though! And we've done so much to the house I don't know if we'll leave it anytime soon. I thought for a while we could use more space with two growing boys (and hopefully more eventually. God willing!), but really, we have plenty, The Lord had blessed us so much, and we've grown attached to the place. (After all, it was where my "babies" came home to!) Speaking of which, ...:)

After 5 years of marriage Sebastian was ready to tackle "fatherhood". :) Hmmm, I guess we were the same as you! As soon as we stopped "avoiding it", I was pregnant that next month! I waited to take the test and found out on my 26th birthday! I'd been wating tables again up here, just lunch shifts, to pay off some bills and get out of the house. I had BAD morning (did I say morning? I meant ALL DAY!) sickness, though, and after a week or so of trying to deliver food in between running to the bathroom, I gave my two weeks notice and settled down for the "stay-at-home" mom bit! (Which is what I always wanted anyway). We remodeled the basement while I was pregnant and other than the severe sickness ( I actually had to get on medication to stop the vomiting), there were no complications for most of the pregnancy. I didn't want an ultrasound, wanted to do everything as "naturally" as possible, but in October, about 6 weeks prior to my due date, I had some bleeding. The dr. ordered an ultrasound to rule out placenta previa. I also was measuring small for my due date so they wanted to make sure everything was ok. The first ultrasound showed the baby a bit small so they wanted to induce early. (I refused and asked for another ultrasound as at this late date there is such a large margin of error. Sure enough, on the second one the baby was the right size). They kept monitoring me twice a week, but things looked great. I went 10 days over (according to THEM, my dates put me at 3-4 days over) and so they induced me on November 24th, 2003. (I could go WAY longer with this birth story, but I won't bore with too many more details! ) The "hard labor" hit at 3:30 and Alexander Sebastian Fuhrer was born at 5:52 pm! We were SO thrilled to have a boy (we hadn't found out) and Sebastian CRIED!!!! It was quite an experience and lets just say I hope I don't have to be induced with my third! Pitocin contractions are NO FUN! ;) (In fact, in talking with my sisters midwife later, she was shocked I didn't have any pain meds with it, .... Pitocin contractions are quite different than normal labor)

Anyway, life was changed forever, but in a good way. Adaptation from couplehood to parenthood took a few months, we missed the spontaneity of pre-children days, but it was amazing to be a mom! (As you well know!)

That first year was incredible with Xander, .... yet extremely sad in another way. My mom was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer a month after Xander was born. It's a tough disease, 2% survival, ...so I wasn't too optimistc. She opted out of chemo and radiation and just had surgery. The dr's didn't want to give her a figure, but I researched it and it looked like 3-6 months at most. Sebastian and I and Stephie and her husband Kyle set up a "family reunion" in San Diego for that June and my mom had a wonderful time. That is how I like to remember her, ... though even then, you could tell how tired she was. I flew down to see her in October that year and surprised her. .... it was really hard, the change was so dramatic. It was downhill after that and though Sebastian and I had bought tickets to be down there for Christmas that year, I got a call from my dad on the 12th saying I needed to come down. My mom recognized me and was lucid that first day, a bit, but after that it was just waiting. She died before dawn on the 16th of December, 2004. It was so hard and yet so incredible at the same time. I don't know if it was having just had a baby and being aware of what "birth" was, but I truly felt as if I was witnessing a "birth" from the inside, so to speak. It was like watching all the labor pains, and the struggle, but then, the glorious "coming to be", it was behind a veil or a wall that I wasn't a part of.... I felt the loss of her spirit intensely, even as I held her hand... and yet, she wasn't "gone", just departed. I still feel her presence every day, ... and I so wish she could have known my boys. Yet I also know God had a plan and that somehow, it was her time to go to Him! The pain, even though it lessons, doesn't go away, and there are so many things I wish I could share with her today!

Oh my, I'm sorry,I don't mean to dwell on sad things ...

Anyway, God and life have been extremely good to me other than losing my mom. I am so blessed to be Xander's and Tennyson's mom, and we are starting on the "official" home-school adventure next year! Xander is an amazing little guy with an incredible imagination (I swear he will be a movie director someday or perhaps a writer). We wanted our kids about 2 and a half years apart as well, ... but Xander was all of a sudden 2 years old and we realized we'd better "get on the ball"! :) We got pregnant the summer of 2006 and Tennyson Xavier was born, in a rainstorm, on March 30th 2007. He was late as well, but thankfully came before his induction date! His labor was even faster than Xander's, I woke at 3 am with contractions, ... made Sebastian and Xander some eggs, took Xander to the sitter, got to the hospital/birth center at 5am and he was born at 6:04! I'm a blessed/lucky woman! LOL! 2 pushes and he was out! (granted, I thought the Dr was saying to "keep going" when he actually was saying "that's good" meaning STOP! :) Ah well, I tore with both boys, but it all heals! Tennyson is my "clone" as his dad calls him. Its funny how much Xander is like his father and Tennyson is like me! Though they both have elements of the other parent of course.! But motherhood is GRAND! I only hope I can treasure each moment (go on "adventures" with them like you do with your little men), and take nothing for granted. My experience with losing my mom and so many of my extended family is to cherish every day, and give my little guys the best memories I can :)

We are thinking about #3, .... I feel like we're supposed to have another boy. If it wasn't for the TIME (which I already feel so torn about, ... its so hard because you can never give the second what you gave the first! If I had a maid and a cook and a gardener) I'd have 6 or 7 children! But I think we want at least one more. So we'll see what happens in the next year or so.

I love the Midwest, the seasons, the family-centered-ness, (though my love affair with the ocean will never cease, ... I certainly hope to someday live near it!) And I am at such a wonderful moment in my life, I thank God every day for seeing fit to give it to me!

Just a glimpse of what I recall at 2 am :)!

Xander and Tennyson's Grand Zoo Adventure!

(Title to this post created by Xander! )

This past Sunday was Mother's Day and my boys made it really special. Sushi dinner out with Sebastian on Saturday, followed by gifts (all in red to match our new living room wall! Pillows, throws, towels, a rug and a tea-kettle for the kitchen) Xander and Tennyson were so sweet, so excited to be giving their mom gifts!

We went to the zoo on Sunday with friends and it was so much fun. Xander seemed a bit tired, but he enjoyed it I think. After about 3 hours there, he and Sebastian went to Star Trek in the IMAX (originally I was to have gone, and our friends would watch the boys as we had watched their children while they saw the movie. I was worried Tennyson would get cranky after a long day however, so I stayed at the zoo).

It's always so interested/amusing to me. Xander seems to have this "animal" spirit. Since he was a baby, whenever we'd go to the zoo or the fair, the animals seemed to flock to him. Oddly enough, more often than not it's the "fiercer" ones. Sunday's visit to the zoo was no exception! It started with the Grizzly's, ... we looked at them through the glass and suddenly, up rose a huge bear on his hind legs, he jumped in the water and dove towards the glass. He emerged right where Xander was standing and proceeded to look at him and roar! (Xander was thrilled, though I wonder if it was comraderie or lunch the bear was looking for!?!?! ;) ) A bit later it was the wolf. I saw him across his enclosure, sound asleep, as Tennyson and I had arrived at the exibit first. As soon as Xander came in view, he lurched awake and trotted over! Finally, the culmination was the Wolverine pen. There was a little ledge where the glass meets the rock in the Minnesota Trail exhibit. One of the wolverines was determined to make contact! He threw himself again and again at the glass... all the kids were standing there and the laughter that ensued drew a crowd, ... but I still have to wonder. What spirit does my little man possess that all these creatures sense? It's fun to speculate. :)

Tennyson and I had a great time at the petting zoo while Dad and Xander were in the movie. When we arrived at the farm exhibit, he was thrilled to baaa at the sheep and neigh at the horses. Upon entering the barn though, the fun began :) The goats knew a friend when they saw one and Tennyson laughed and laughed at them "tickling" his fingers as they ate treats from his little hands. He dropped a few treats and bent down to get them. Impatient, the goat butted him right in the head! I couldn't help but laugh as Tennyson said "OWWW! He bonked me!!!" in his little consise voice! He laughed though and proceeded to beg me (and all the surrounding adults (strangers) for more goat treats). We saw the cows next, where Tennyson informed me that cow's "moo" and give milk. The pigs though, well, there were some new babies and they were nursing away. Tennyson was thrilled to see them "nee nee"!!! He then climbed all over a fiberglass statue of a mama pig and her babies, ... my only indication of him thinking he was on the real thing was when he found a bit of a broken "hole" on the mama pigs nose. He turns to me, very sad and says, "she's broken mama!!! you fix it? You kiss her???" I almost kissed the dirty old statue, just for him, ... but common sense (and the voice of Sebastian in my head ;) ) won out and I tried to explain that kissing wouldn't work and Mama would need tools to fix her. That satisfied him and we moved on to the baby chicks :)

All in all, it was a wonderful Mother's Day with my two little guys. I hope I always remember the way the spring sunshine shone down on their little heads, turning their hair golden and glowing. ... their little voices raised in excitement about the "animals" and their sleepy little faces at the end of the day.

The zoo is fun, but Motherhood is the grandest adventure of all!

God, ... this is Xander

What a nice day today, outside with Xander and Tennyson and the spring sunshine! I'm so blessed to have my two little men (and my "big" one :)! )

Xander had a long morning of first reading Bible stories (the story of Noah, which greatly disturbed him and he informed me that he "didn't like this story Mom, WHY does God kill everyone except Noah and his family? Even if they ARE evil???", of digging and cleaning out the sandbox, finding worm families (and commenting, "Do you think there are worm churches under the ground Mom? Where worms can get married?), picking violets for Mom to press, playing ball with his little brother and finally having lunch with Tennyson, Mom and Dad.

The afternoon consisted of doing reading lessons out on the deck, playing puzzles, watching "Power Puff Girls" while Mom and Dad did yoga, and then playing until dinner (which was eaten while we all watched Star Trek, the Final Frontier). Xander was tired, even though he insisted he wasn't and upon climbing in bed and snuggling, this is what transpired:

"Mom, ... you know a long time ago when I said a robber had gotten into the house somehow and taken all the glow-in-the- dark stars off my ceiling? Well, ... I know you're not gonna like this, but I have to tell you, ... I lied about that, ...it was me who did it. I've been keeping it a secret this whole time." (It has been over a year and a half since this occurred! I didn't push him to confess at the time, figuring he'd tell me eventually)
"I kept it a secret and I didn't tell you cause I was only three at the time and it wasn't like when I was four and knew that I would never tell a lie!" " I was afraid you would take away a bunch of toys if I told you, but I know now that I should have told you any-way"
I consoled him and then said prayers, ... I had barely finished the Lords Prayer when Xander piped up "Mom, I don't think you should pray what everyone else prays, that's just like being like everyone else. You're not like the other kids moms that make them go to bed early and don't buy them lots of toys and don't teach them how to read and make them do chores" (I do have him do chores, I guess he just doesn't think of them that way) I informed Xander that the Lord's prayer is what Jesus taught us and that it's a prefect way of communicating with God.... he acquiesced , but then said, ... "can I pray now Mom?" :) Of course, Xander....

GOD? Thankyou for today, thankyou for mom and dad and Tennyson,... Thankyou for not making there be any more world wars, ... even though I wish there was, because it would be exciting, thankyou for knowing I don't really mean it...thankyou for spaceships. Please let there never be an earthquake or a tornado here... Thankyou for making there never be another big flood... God, please make it be the end of time so I can meet Jesus and ask him why rainbows can never be caught, ... why the closer you get to them the farther away they get. God, let me get all my reading lessons done by the time Bamma visits. Thankyou God , Thankyou.

My little man, wanting to be so big and yet still wanting to cuddle... I hope I have not forced you to grow up too fast... to be so aware of wars and such at 5!!! Still, it's just the magic of you, you want to know everything and from the moment I first held you I saw in your eyes that insatiable thirst for information, for exposure to the world, for glorious knowledge. I revel in that, even though it's a challenge. I pray that I can give you what you desire... and what you need. And I hope that I have given you the love you needed so far. (I wonder sometimes, when you still want to be near me so much. Did I err in leaving you with sitters as a baby? Did they let you cry? Did I mis-read the signals and encourage you to wean before you were ready? Even now you watch your brother and on rare occasions ask if you can "nee nee" again.) Still, that too is YOU. Like your mama, you cherish the past and the future and build them up in your mind. I'm glad you've also got your father's self-sufficiency though. Peer pressure will never be a problem I feel. You're way too much in your "own world"

I thank God every day that I am your mother and I only wish that I could somehow be 3 people, one each for you, your brother and your dad. How I wish I could hold on to every moment. That will be my "heaven" to be with those I love FOREVER!

Good night my little love... My firstborn.

The Liberry, The Liberry, The Liberry!

Ahhh, if only the little bug we all have would be done with :) Today on the way to get some things for Daddy's birthday, BOTH my little bookworms were begging for the library!

Tennyson's little voice was the first. Piping up from the rear of the car, "Pease Momma, ... pease go to the liberry?" "pease?" Which he continued to repeat until we got to the grocery store !

I can't believe how lucky I am to have two little boys so precociously verbal, so imaginative and so "into" reading. I only hope and pray I can nurture and facilitate that rather than hinder it. I am so looking forward to this coming school year with Xander and VERY excited that Tennyson seems ready to jump in and learn what he can as well!

Random things I love about my oldest this past week

It's 1am and I'm not very coherant at the moment, nor am I very alert! But before I head to bed, I wanted to post a little something.

Just thinking and observing today how much life can change in only 5 years! Spring of 2004, you were a little babe, just learning how to sit up... I'd take you out to the garden with me to weed or plant. You'd sit beside me and smell the flowers... I was still getting adjusted to life with another little soul and you wouldn't sit for long, but still, very different than now!

You are such an amazing little boy Alexander, ... and I love the things your mind thinks of. There are so many topics you've broached in the past few weeks that boggle my mind when I consider your age.

At five years of age, here are some random matters we've talked of lately:

World War II and the Blitzkreig of London

Torture and Interrogation (Because of things heard on NPR)

Time travel and altering the past... I knew the point was driven home when you said "so if Mom died and I went back in time to save her, it would change the present and things would be different, like maybe Tennyson wouldn't exist!"

Rainbows and lightning storms and how lightning occurs

Counting everything, the concept of a dollar (and the fact that mom just spent 700 of them on a shed of all things! Crazy mothers! ;) )

Reading has just taken off for you, ... you sat down and wrote out a whole story the other day and most of the spelling was correct! You are no longer complaining about reading lessons too much and you are getting very excited about starting school in the fall.

Oh, there is your brother waking up, ... I must go. I love being your mom, Xander, and sharing this experience of "life" with you! ...It's a gift I will always treasure.

Tennyson's independence

I wonder all the time if my two boys are so different because I'M different... I know I don't "hover" as much with Tennyson as I did with Xander... I also don't get to spend the same amount of time with him as I did with my firstborn. But I also see such wonderful individuality with both boys. Xander is my little perfectionist, typical firstborn (as I was) in so many ways and yet SO like his father with his goofiness and his self-fulfillment/self-enjoyment. It's not selfishness, he'd do anything to help others, just like his dad. But Xander is in his own world, ... completely satisfied with who he is and not needing to search outside himself for fulfillment. He expects the world to fall into place around him and it usually does! :)

Tennyson is much like his brother, precocious teether and speaker, advanced quite beyond a typical "2 year old". But they are also so different. Tennyson has a soundtrack in his head... he sings all the time, about everything! And his little body is always in tune to the rythmn of the moment, be it a song, a commercial, a train whistle, a bird-call... there's a different "dance"for everything! LIFE makes little Tata smile, ... and his silliness, well... he's a little actor, hamming it up whenever and wherever! Yet he also is not swayed easily by others... he doesn't cater to whatever the "adult" figure desires, he knows what he wants and has no trouble expressing it! (I revel in the fact that neither of my boys will be "push-overs" or crowd followers. It may be challenging now, but I'd much rather that than have little drones later in life! I hope I can continue to foster that individuality!)

There are a few moments that stand out for me when I think back on little Tatinators life so far... When he was just a new walker last spring we went to a park... he tried to climb "up" a slide. I watched him get about halfway up and then start to falter. I braced myself for the wail of frustration as I watched him slip back down to the bottom. Unlike his brother though (who would have been in tears at not accomplishing this), Tennyson was giggling hilariously! He did it again and again, thinking it was the best thing ever!
Another thing is that Tennyson rejoices in self-sufficiency (for the most part)... he works at something for way longer than Xander did before he asks for help. Feeding himself, brushing his teeth, figuring out a puzzle... all of these are his "accomplishments". I know part of this comes from observing his older brother, but a lot of it is just him.
Today, I watched Tennyson do something else I'll always remember. At a park near downtown there is a three story climbing structure. On that third level there is no way to get (or fall) down other than back down the ladder one climbs to get up or down a three story slide that is QUITE steep. (Xander only worked up the gumption to go down it by himself last summer). For the past park visits I haven't allowed Tennyson up there without me, ... but this time, he was insistent and I wanted to see what he'd do once up there. The first time, he hung out up there a while and then when I asked if he wanted down he said "yes". A bit later, there he was climbing up again. I watched and he was just sitting up there. The next thing I knew, I didn't see him, ... my heart skipped a beat and then there he was, at the bottom of the huge slide, not batting an eye, just running off to play some more!

Oh my little man... It's wonderful and yet bittersweet how you "manage" so much on your own. I'm glad I have a bit of time yet before I'm pregnant again and that I have your "baby-hood" a bit longer! I love you my little "Tatinator" and how I love being your mom! Now to just keep you "safe"!!! ;)

Xander's thoughts today

This morning, after pensively eating his breakfast, Xander informed me that;
"when I grow up and I'm a man I'm going to invent a real Time Machine, Mom. I will go back in time and see Zuessy again and pet him and give him ice cream. I'll take you guys with me too, you, Dad and Tennyson, so you could see Zuess. Then, I'm going to go back (with you) to the day you and Dad got married and you can sit in the church and watch yourselves get married! Won't that be crazy, Mom? And then, I will go back to the time when it was just you and me and I was jumping in the leaves and I will watch you for a little bit and then I'll go play with you guys and you will say "who are YOU????" ... cause I'll be a grown-up playing in the leaves, and I'll say "I'm Xander" and you will say " no, THIS is Xander" and I'll say, "but it IS me Mom and I'm all grown up!" :)



"Mom, what happens if you put your hand in a rainbow? Does it go through it?" (I informed him that rainbows were made by sunlight hitting rain or moisture in the air and refracting the light. I also tell him how I chased rainbows when I was a girl and was never able to "catch" one) "But mom, how come in movies then and shows, they go and find the end of the rainbow? Or they get to walk on it like Dora? Are there different kinds of rainbows? Magic ones? ... I'm gonna find one someday!"
(After the rain/thunder/hail storm at the park this afternoon we saw a rainbow on the way home)

A meaningful quote to launch this blog:

For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin- real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness: happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one.

Happiness is a Journey, Not a Destination... Souza