The summer rain is absolutely pouring right now. I sit here listening to it hit the roof and chimney, subtle on the shingles and metallically ringing on the fireplace flue. I'm perfectly contented as I sit here and think back on the past 15 years! (15 years come December, ... HOW is that so?!?!? I begin to understand how Heaven in it's infinity is the only way there is enough time to spend with your soul-mate, your family and your Savior!.... This time is but a blink of the eye, a flicker in the night, .... and how much faster it seems to fly when you are happy and fulfilled ! This is a wonderful time in our lives. We have three healthy and happy growing boys. I have the love of my life at my side as we face the future together. There are so many things that I look forward to (God willing) and no matter what, we have each other and our beautiful lives here on this beautiful earth! Thank-you Lord for your many blessings and all the glory you have bestowed on this world!
Tonight Tennyson said it so aptly: "Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you God for this world and EVERYTHING in it and EVERYTHING!!!!! Amen!" :) Ahhhh, I need to record these fleeting glimpses of childhood thoughts. I'll start tomorrow night with a voice recorder and hopefully catch these perfect moments with my boys at night as their days slow down and the moments coalesce in their minds and spirits. Xander and Tennyson and Urizen... my little loves and my amazing friends and my little poets at night. You are all three so unique and inspiring and I can't begin to imagine how incredible your lives will be.
This has been a lovely summer so far: Kris staying for 5 weeks, a dinner date with my Love, trips to the Zoo and the Mississippi with the boys, riverboat rides and train excursions. Urizen is enraptured with trains and boats after the trip to La Crosse... and I realize how wonderful little people's memories are when he brings it up on a weekly basis and reminds ME of it!;)
All the boys are growing so fast... I really don't have a "baby" anymore! Xander is 8 going on 14, Tennyson is reading at a 3-4th grade level and Urizen is talking up a storm, dealing with feelings and limits and expressing himself through words at an incredible pace.
And me, ... I feel so perfectly fulfilled right now. I would have been totally happy with only Sebastian had that been God's plan. I always wanted to be a mom though, and after Xander was born I felt fulfilled,... but I knew I wanted him to have siblings. Then Tennyson came along and I couldn't imagine being more blessed. I'll always remember going to Disneyland and the Mall of America, etc. with just the two little boys, ... one for each of us! Holding their little hands, we grew so used to how that felt that on the rare occasions when Sebastian and I held each others' hand, it/they felt enormous!
And then little Urizen, our little man that felt so "right". I knew the next day that I was pregnant and knew it was a boy, ... each step of the way there were no surprises :) Urizen gave us a smile and a look during his 20-week ultrasound as if to say "what did you think guys? it's me and I'll be out soon to join in the fun!;) ) He's my "baby" and yet he's so independent! (At this point Tennyson seems to be the natural "baby" of the family! :) ) Urizen wants to do anything and everything that the boys do :) And I suppose that suits him. He will be like Xander in his drive and individuality and yet like Tennyson in his ability to "let go" and roll with the punches. Urizen does seem to be the most "boy-ish" of the boys though. Whether that is having two older brothers or just his own testosterone level, time will tell, :)
Tonight though, I just love my boys, (all 4!!!!) And I love being the Soul and keeper of the home and hearts right now. I pray every day for guidance that Yahweh will give me the strength and wisdom and patience to help and teach every day without tiring. I LOVE YOU my Yeshua! And I love that you've fulfilled my every desire and given me my perfect family! Thank-you, Thank-you, THANK-YOU!!!
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
Summer sun, trips to the zoo and a sad goodbye
These last few days of our week long "stay-cation" have been wonderful and also sad to say the least.
We said goodbye to Gizmo on June 20th. Poor little guy, he'd had a hard time of it the last few months and had finally stopped eating. It was so hard to watch, and my heart ached every time I saw Sebastian trying to get him to eat something, anything throughout the day. He was such a sweet member of our family, ... our "armchair" leopard, ... the first anniversary present I gave Sebastian, ... the "baby" we had before we had babies!
Sebastian and I went together to the vet. Gizmo was calm and not in pain, (we'd given him a pain med on Tuesday), he seemed like he knew, even on the ride there, ... he didn't "cry" or "talk" like he usually did in the car. I think he knew Sebastian was there and that somehow, this was all as it should be. He'd had a lot of time outside in the sun the last few days, enjoying the warmth of the deck and the heat of the summer. I'm so glad he made it past the winter. He was such a desert cat and loved the heat and sun on his fur.
I'm so glad Sebastian was with me in letting him go, ... though I know how hard it was on him. My Love, you said good bye to one of your best friends, ...I wish you could have "held" him longer!
Thursday we took a "day off" and went on an impromptu trip to the zoo :) The boys had a blast and it was sheer joy to see little Urizen dancing and jumping with glee when he saw the penguins swimming, the prairie dogs "hopping" and the goats clamoring for affection! He's at the perfect age for the zoo and hopefully we can get back there a few more times this year!
There were so many moments yesterday that stood out for me, ... how big Xander has gotten, how Tennyson too has grown, yet is still "little": crying over spilled ice cream and a bit scared of the Dinosaur exhibit. All the boys were a joy though, and I hope I always remember their laughter and squeals of joy running through the playground area, climbing and sliding and spinning and "discovering"! The fountains at the end of the day were wonderful, the boys were overjoyed when I told them to "go for it" and get wet :) (Unbeknownst to them, I'd brought a change of clothes for each). Urizen keeps up with his brothers at every turn and seemed to never tire of the "fun". His little body seems to handle the cold better than his brothers, (like me perhaps?) and he just kept running and getting soaked and then going back for more! It was such fun to watch, the three boys were like the tide, running away, dancing and splashing and then all three coming back for "re-assurance" or just the joy of sharing :)... Somehow they would all return at the same time every time, ... It makes me think/ hope that someday this little play will be re-enacted on a grander scale and they will all return "home" to us and share their lives with us periodically and often!
It's been such a nice relaxing week "off': Sebastian off of work, Xander on summer break, Kris here and no Zack for day-care. I know the boys have enjoyed the afternoon swims at the RAC and the time we've had with them. I wish it was longer, one more day and it's back to "work". I guess it's just the way I'm wired, but I feel like the days pass and even though I'm home with my loves, I never have enough time with just them, with each soul in my care. I find myself occupied with meals and laundry, shopping and chauffering to lessons, paying bills and taking care of kitties, trying to think about the future and at the same time trying to carve a niche in the never-ending organizing and de-cluttering and cleaning of daily life. Add to that the inevitable home repairs, leaky faucets, old doorknobs, ants in the walls, plants to transplant and the yard to care for, I could go on and on. I never seem to get to a place where I feel like I'm "caught up"! And yet, that is life, that is the journey I am on, and I only pray that my boys will remember times spent laughing and playing, learning and listening, helping and discovering. Hopefully their memories won't be only of the tediousness of me nagging to "pick up" and "eat your vegetables" and "don't argue with your brothers" and "please! just do your homework/school/practice without complaining?!?!?". Motherhood is so amazing and so much my fulfillment. I revel in and cherish each snuggle and each "I love you mama", and I wish I could keep them little forever!. But I also love how Xander and Tennyson have grown and how wonderful they each are as individuals and I love watching Urizen follow in their footsteps.
My prayer tonight is for joy and laughter and summer fun and happy memories of the all encompassing love Sebastian and I have for our three little guys. Thank-you Lord for this life and please give me many more years with my boys :)
“Summer will end soon enough, and childhood as well.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones
We said goodbye to Gizmo on June 20th. Poor little guy, he'd had a hard time of it the last few months and had finally stopped eating. It was so hard to watch, and my heart ached every time I saw Sebastian trying to get him to eat something, anything throughout the day. He was such a sweet member of our family, ... our "armchair" leopard, ... the first anniversary present I gave Sebastian, ... the "baby" we had before we had babies!
Sebastian and I went together to the vet. Gizmo was calm and not in pain, (we'd given him a pain med on Tuesday), he seemed like he knew, even on the ride there, ... he didn't "cry" or "talk" like he usually did in the car. I think he knew Sebastian was there and that somehow, this was all as it should be. He'd had a lot of time outside in the sun the last few days, enjoying the warmth of the deck and the heat of the summer. I'm so glad he made it past the winter. He was such a desert cat and loved the heat and sun on his fur.
I'm so glad Sebastian was with me in letting him go, ... though I know how hard it was on him. My Love, you said good bye to one of your best friends, ...I wish you could have "held" him longer!
Thursday we took a "day off" and went on an impromptu trip to the zoo :) The boys had a blast and it was sheer joy to see little Urizen dancing and jumping with glee when he saw the penguins swimming, the prairie dogs "hopping" and the goats clamoring for affection! He's at the perfect age for the zoo and hopefully we can get back there a few more times this year!
There were so many moments yesterday that stood out for me, ... how big Xander has gotten, how Tennyson too has grown, yet is still "little": crying over spilled ice cream and a bit scared of the Dinosaur exhibit. All the boys were a joy though, and I hope I always remember their laughter and squeals of joy running through the playground area, climbing and sliding and spinning and "discovering"! The fountains at the end of the day were wonderful, the boys were overjoyed when I told them to "go for it" and get wet :) (Unbeknownst to them, I'd brought a change of clothes for each). Urizen keeps up with his brothers at every turn and seemed to never tire of the "fun". His little body seems to handle the cold better than his brothers, (like me perhaps?) and he just kept running and getting soaked and then going back for more! It was such fun to watch, the three boys were like the tide, running away, dancing and splashing and then all three coming back for "re-assurance" or just the joy of sharing :)... Somehow they would all return at the same time every time, ... It makes me think/ hope that someday this little play will be re-enacted on a grander scale and they will all return "home" to us and share their lives with us periodically and often!
It's been such a nice relaxing week "off': Sebastian off of work, Xander on summer break, Kris here and no Zack for day-care. I know the boys have enjoyed the afternoon swims at the RAC and the time we've had with them. I wish it was longer, one more day and it's back to "work". I guess it's just the way I'm wired, but I feel like the days pass and even though I'm home with my loves, I never have enough time with just them, with each soul in my care. I find myself occupied with meals and laundry, shopping and chauffering to lessons, paying bills and taking care of kitties, trying to think about the future and at the same time trying to carve a niche in the never-ending organizing and de-cluttering and cleaning of daily life. Add to that the inevitable home repairs, leaky faucets, old doorknobs, ants in the walls, plants to transplant and the yard to care for, I could go on and on. I never seem to get to a place where I feel like I'm "caught up"! And yet, that is life, that is the journey I am on, and I only pray that my boys will remember times spent laughing and playing, learning and listening, helping and discovering. Hopefully their memories won't be only of the tediousness of me nagging to "pick up" and "eat your vegetables" and "don't argue with your brothers" and "please! just do your homework/school/practice without complaining?!?!?". Motherhood is so amazing and so much my fulfillment. I revel in and cherish each snuggle and each "I love you mama", and I wish I could keep them little forever!. But I also love how Xander and Tennyson have grown and how wonderful they each are as individuals and I love watching Urizen follow in their footsteps.
My prayer tonight is for joy and laughter and summer fun and happy memories of the all encompassing love Sebastian and I have for our three little guys. Thank-you Lord for this life and please give me many more years with my boys :)
“Summer will end soon enough, and childhood as well.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones
Growing Pains
Funny how wonderful and challenging parenting can be in one and the same breath! This school year is going fast already and Urizen is nearly ONE!!!! Wow, time flies, and babies grow and life in all it's beautiful magnificence just passes in a heartbeat!
(It's August of 2012 and I realize I never finished or posted this! I'm posting now to remind me to finish these musings lest I forget ... as I have!... what I wanted to say at the time! ;) )
(It's August of 2012 and I realize I never finished or posted this! I'm posting now to remind me to finish these musings lest I forget ... as I have!... what I wanted to say at the time! ;) )
New beginnings and endings at the same time...
Ah me, tonight marks a near final moment I feel ...
Xander, little night-owl that he is, asked for food again at 10:30, after dinner at Michelle's house and then dinner here at home two hours later! I gave him cereal and milk and Sebastian asked Xanderman if he wanted to watch him play video games while he ate. I went up-stairs for a long over-due bath (the two littlest boys were asleep) and an hour later when I returned I found Xander fast asleep in the recliner. Curled around Chiara, Xander looked so little once again... I had a flashback to his "baby-days"...Wasn't it yesterday that I held him in my arms for the first time? He was already wise and "old". His soul shone through his little dark eyes as he gazed deep into mine. I felt like I was looking at the reflection of God. This little being had been in the presence of some "Other", some absolutely wonderful, perfect and incredible Being. I'll never forget for as long as I draw breath, how it felt to hold this perfect first child of our Love...
Tonight, as I picked up this little man, (no longer a slight 8 pounds, but more like 50!), I struggled to lift his dead weight. He whimpered in his sleep and mumbled something unintelligible, then clutched me tight. His arms around my neck, his pre-adolescent body not quite knowing what to do with legs stretched out straight ...(Tennyson will still fall into old habits when asleep and curl himself around me). But then, as I held him tight and whispered good night, he tucked his face into my neck... his body relaxed and he let me hold him... carrying him to his bunk-bed I nearly cried. I won't be able to do this much longer. Is this the last time? As I lifted him above my shoulders to get him into his bed and tucked him in, touching his hair and tucking his animals in next to him, I treasured this moment. ... Only hours earlier he had been shooting arrows into a target, ... running wildly in the grass and into the woods... a true boy. Xander, ... you are so grown up so often, taking care of your brothers, .... always trying to do what's "right", ... taking in the world and learning so many wonderful things, ... Latin, piano, Taekwondo, ... it's incredible to me and also heart-rending. My little boy, all too soon I see you growing up!
My one prayer tonight for you my little man is that you know how much I love you and how much you are my friend. You truly are the offspring of my heart. A firstborn to the core, ... you are "me" in so many ways, ... yet still you take after Sebastian and you are so much just yourself! (With a little bit of my Dad thrown in :)! ) I hope you understand how much I want to spend time with just you, ... how I yearn to listen to you talk for hours about Minecraft or movies or whatever your interest of the day is. You give so much and are so patient when the day is filled with little ones that demand attention. I pray you never feel regret (though I doubt you will, you understand so well about the needs of life!). I also pray that this year I can devote more individual time to just you and your brothers in turn. I'd love to go do something with just you my not so little Xander (and with each of your brothers)! I'll strive to do so this year and give us both wonderful memories to share :)
I love you my Xanderman, ... sleep well and dream of castles and buildings and "red-blocks" and movies. :) I LOVE YOU!!!! Forever and ever and ever and ever! Your Mama xoxoxo
Xander, little night-owl that he is, asked for food again at 10:30, after dinner at Michelle's house and then dinner here at home two hours later! I gave him cereal and milk and Sebastian asked Xanderman if he wanted to watch him play video games while he ate. I went up-stairs for a long over-due bath (the two littlest boys were asleep) and an hour later when I returned I found Xander fast asleep in the recliner. Curled around Chiara, Xander looked so little once again... I had a flashback to his "baby-days"...Wasn't it yesterday that I held him in my arms for the first time? He was already wise and "old". His soul shone through his little dark eyes as he gazed deep into mine. I felt like I was looking at the reflection of God. This little being had been in the presence of some "Other", some absolutely wonderful, perfect and incredible Being. I'll never forget for as long as I draw breath, how it felt to hold this perfect first child of our Love...
Tonight, as I picked up this little man, (no longer a slight 8 pounds, but more like 50!), I struggled to lift his dead weight. He whimpered in his sleep and mumbled something unintelligible, then clutched me tight. His arms around my neck, his pre-adolescent body not quite knowing what to do with legs stretched out straight ...(Tennyson will still fall into old habits when asleep and curl himself around me). But then, as I held him tight and whispered good night, he tucked his face into my neck... his body relaxed and he let me hold him... carrying him to his bunk-bed I nearly cried. I won't be able to do this much longer. Is this the last time? As I lifted him above my shoulders to get him into his bed and tucked him in, touching his hair and tucking his animals in next to him, I treasured this moment. ... Only hours earlier he had been shooting arrows into a target, ... running wildly in the grass and into the woods... a true boy. Xander, ... you are so grown up so often, taking care of your brothers, .... always trying to do what's "right", ... taking in the world and learning so many wonderful things, ... Latin, piano, Taekwondo, ... it's incredible to me and also heart-rending. My little boy, all too soon I see you growing up!
My one prayer tonight for you my little man is that you know how much I love you and how much you are my friend. You truly are the offspring of my heart. A firstborn to the core, ... you are "me" in so many ways, ... yet still you take after Sebastian and you are so much just yourself! (With a little bit of my Dad thrown in :)! ) I hope you understand how much I want to spend time with just you, ... how I yearn to listen to you talk for hours about Minecraft or movies or whatever your interest of the day is. You give so much and are so patient when the day is filled with little ones that demand attention. I pray you never feel regret (though I doubt you will, you understand so well about the needs of life!). I also pray that this year I can devote more individual time to just you and your brothers in turn. I'd love to go do something with just you my not so little Xander (and with each of your brothers)! I'll strive to do so this year and give us both wonderful memories to share :)
I love you my Xanderman, ... sleep well and dream of castles and buildings and "red-blocks" and movies. :) I LOVE YOU!!!! Forever and ever and ever and ever! Your Mama xoxoxo
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