5 weeks, ... only a bit more than a month and your little boy-hood is officially over. School and friends and your own identity, separate from my own. I know you will soar, and yet still I worry, and obsess and I imagine all the ways in which I might do things differently.
My Xanderman, ... you are growing up so fast and I just pray every day that I've "done enough", ... that I don't miss the opportunities that I have with you. I can't believe it's been nearly 6 years we've had together! (Oh my, ... 10 more years and you're DRIVING! How is that possible! In less time than your dad and I have know each other, you'll be about ready to start college! OH DEAR, ... I feel the tears coming.) It's so amazing to watch you grow up and see your development, ... and yet at the same time it's so scary, ... and crazy, ... that my baby will be "gone". Still, every day I revel in your accomplishments, and I embrace the independence and am glad for it. (When you're too "needy" some days, I just wish you would be more self sufficient!) But then I get nostalgic and I think of holding you for the first time, as your eyes looked into mine, I was "in love" for life!
I still remember how it felt to hold you as you nursed, ... to snuggle you in tight as you fell asleep, ... I'm sad that you don't remember nursing really. I'd hoped you would! You were 3 and a half when you stopped and you loved it so. I wonder if we were right in "encouraging" you to stop!?!?!? We left it up to you and told you that when you were ready, we'd have a "Stop Nursing Party" and you'd get cupcakes and a "big boy" present. You understood and nursed for two more days, then wanted to have the "party". You loved picking out Star Wars cupcakes and you got a HUGE Batman Lego set as a gift. You were "ok" that night and went to sleep without nursing, but the next night you were so sad! It was SO hard for me to stand firm and insist that you had decided :( I hope I did the right thing, and that you weren't negatively affected! (I'm sure some day you'll read this and laugh at your 'worrying" mother!)
I love that you still remember (a little) what it was like. You'll say it was warm and soft and safe, ... and that it tasted like watermelon! :) And that you liked it better than cupcakes! (Which for you is saying a lot!)
Oh, my Xander... I pray that God gives you a glorious future and that you always remain close! I love you so much and I hope you have the most amazing life ever!
Monday, July 27, 2009
Fleeting...
Gone are the silky fingers wrapped around one of mine ...
Gone is the soft palm and tightly clutched fist holding on firmly as you view the wide world ...
Gone is the ability to enclose your tiny hand in my own, like a little bird held safe in it's nest...
Callouses now line the base of every finger, -each one a testament to monkey bars and rope swings, shovels and tree trunks...
Your hand is tougher and yet looser too, - your fingers intertwine with mine, your palm, though still smaller is no longer dwarfed by my own. You grab my hand not for safety or security, but rather just to share.
You are my firstborn, ... my love, ... my friend. You are my baby and my sweetheart and at the same time my challenge and my consternation.
How does a mother let go? And yet how can I begin to hold on to a bird who must fly?
Gone is the soft palm and tightly clutched fist holding on firmly as you view the wide world ...
Gone is the ability to enclose your tiny hand in my own, like a little bird held safe in it's nest...
Callouses now line the base of every finger, -each one a testament to monkey bars and rope swings, shovels and tree trunks...
Your hand is tougher and yet looser too, - your fingers intertwine with mine, your palm, though still smaller is no longer dwarfed by my own. You grab my hand not for safety or security, but rather just to share.
You are my firstborn, ... my love, ... my friend. You are my baby and my sweetheart and at the same time my challenge and my consternation.
How does a mother let go? And yet how can I begin to hold on to a bird who must fly?
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Musings, late at night!
Not sure how long this post will be. It's been forever since Ive written and I felt the need for some positive writing or creativity, rather than typical bill paying or future planning, etc!
Funny how my days go by so fast and I look back and realize weeks have passed and the "day to day" has obscured my little "remembrance's" of the boys!
I'm trying to plan a trip to San Diego right now, ... we really shouldn't go as we don't have any money saved, but I so want to! Tennyson will be a bit younger than Xander was when we went last. I was about 11 weeks pregnant with him, and I was feeling pretty yucky. I still had a great time though and I would just LOVE a beach vacation with my three boys! Oh, I pray we can figure it out, ... it would be lovely.
Still, if not, life is good regardless! My Love is as wonderful as ever. We are so blessed to have the time together we do. How amazing and wonderful is it that we live at this time and this place and he happened upon this job at IBM where he gets to work from home! I love having him here, ... turning around and seeing him smile over a link, ... or seeing him focused on his work when his forehead puckers just a bit, ... sharing the same music, the same view out the window, the same little funny things the boys say throughout the day. I love that as I type this I can hear him playing video games in the next room and feel his presence here with me. Heaven had better be like this, ... with all my boys nearby :)!!!
Alexander is growing so fast! I look at him and I can't believe it has already been more than 5 and half years since he entered my life. (more than 6 really, ... he made himself felt quite keenly even before birth ;) !!!) I see this little boy/ man and it's the strangest mixture of watching a hyper mature 5 going on 12 year-old and yet also, a little boy who loves being little and playing and just being silly.
At the park the other day (I took the boys after Kris and Les left, so nice to spend a whole day just playing!) Xander put on a "show" for me, probably at least 30 minutes worth, about God and Satan fighting. It was incredible, ... he was able to convey through his movements and entire battle and epic saga of this eternal struggle. He had an ongoing commentary of course, about the size of the battle ground, the weapons (lighting and such), the fact that God would never be defeated by the Devil, etc. It was so endearing to watch, ... things like this always get me thinking about what he will end up as in the future :) (Film Director? Sci Fi writer? Philosopher? Some scientific field as yet to be discovered?) I hope I stay healthy and have a long life to be able to see him grow up! Oh, ... I love you my first born!
Tennyson, ... you, like your brother have such a memory! Today, when I said we needed to go to Target and then the Dr's, you piped up from the back seat, "We going to see Dr. McCoy?" It's been 4 weeks or so since you saw her! ?!?!? HOW did you remember that? And then we were listening to "Queens of the Stone Age: Lullabies to Paralyze" and you were just taking it in quietly and then all of a sudden your little voice pipes up "this is tamborine music mama!"
(We haven't been to music class since the spring! How do you recognize that!?!?!? My little musical child!)
Well, ... it IS late, ... more on here soon!
Funny how my days go by so fast and I look back and realize weeks have passed and the "day to day" has obscured my little "remembrance's" of the boys!
I'm trying to plan a trip to San Diego right now, ... we really shouldn't go as we don't have any money saved, but I so want to! Tennyson will be a bit younger than Xander was when we went last. I was about 11 weeks pregnant with him, and I was feeling pretty yucky. I still had a great time though and I would just LOVE a beach vacation with my three boys! Oh, I pray we can figure it out, ... it would be lovely.
Still, if not, life is good regardless! My Love is as wonderful as ever. We are so blessed to have the time together we do. How amazing and wonderful is it that we live at this time and this place and he happened upon this job at IBM where he gets to work from home! I love having him here, ... turning around and seeing him smile over a link, ... or seeing him focused on his work when his forehead puckers just a bit, ... sharing the same music, the same view out the window, the same little funny things the boys say throughout the day. I love that as I type this I can hear him playing video games in the next room and feel his presence here with me. Heaven had better be like this, ... with all my boys nearby :)!!!
Alexander is growing so fast! I look at him and I can't believe it has already been more than 5 and half years since he entered my life. (more than 6 really, ... he made himself felt quite keenly even before birth ;) !!!) I see this little boy/ man and it's the strangest mixture of watching a hyper mature 5 going on 12 year-old and yet also, a little boy who loves being little and playing and just being silly.
At the park the other day (I took the boys after Kris and Les left, so nice to spend a whole day just playing!) Xander put on a "show" for me, probably at least 30 minutes worth, about God and Satan fighting. It was incredible, ... he was able to convey through his movements and entire battle and epic saga of this eternal struggle. He had an ongoing commentary of course, about the size of the battle ground, the weapons (lighting and such), the fact that God would never be defeated by the Devil, etc. It was so endearing to watch, ... things like this always get me thinking about what he will end up as in the future :) (Film Director? Sci Fi writer? Philosopher? Some scientific field as yet to be discovered?) I hope I stay healthy and have a long life to be able to see him grow up! Oh, ... I love you my first born!
Tennyson, ... you, like your brother have such a memory! Today, when I said we needed to go to Target and then the Dr's, you piped up from the back seat, "We going to see Dr. McCoy?" It's been 4 weeks or so since you saw her! ?!?!? HOW did you remember that? And then we were listening to "Queens of the Stone Age: Lullabies to Paralyze" and you were just taking it in quietly and then all of a sudden your little voice pipes up "this is tamborine music mama!"
(We haven't been to music class since the spring! How do you recognize that!?!?!? My little musical child!)
Well, ... it IS late, ... more on here soon!
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