The Love of a Child

Tonight was just one of those nights I guess, ... thankfully there aren't many of them! It had been a busy day, routine Dr.'s visit, errands to be run, swimming lessons to get to, tired little boys to take care of, etc. I was tired and feeling very pregnant. I'd wanted to get to Home Depot to take advantage of a sale for deck stain and fencing stuff. I had an hour till they closed and none of us had had dinner yet. Sebastian came out to help and when I measured the space I wanted to fence in, he was surprised. I hadn't communicated clearly what I was planning I guess and we both had different thoughts entirely on the project. I was unwittingly sarcastic and rude (he thought). I was surprised that we "weren't on the same page" so to speak! I got emotional and couldn't handle making a fast decision. We both needed a break, but the boys saw the quarrel :( . I was crying and Tennyson was concerned. I calmed down and we both apologized, I made dinner and Sebastian played video games with the boys. Funny how bad things or circumstances can be such eye-openers. I hate it when I'm not strong enough to calm down and take things in stride. I was berating myself silently for being a bad example and overall still feeling wiped from emotions and pregnancy hormones. We finished dinner and started the video game back up... Tennyson had been very well-behaved over the meal, eating all his food without complaining, watching a quick show with us quietly (unusual, to say the least, for him recently). I was just thinking how sweet he was being when he turned to me and said, "I love you Mommy ... so much!" giving me the biggest hug and kiss ever.
How could a 3 year old know more than anyone else what I needed? All I wanted was to be hugged, reassured in the knowledge of love despite my outburst! Both Sebastian and Xander had been really nice and Sebastian had apologized (as I had), ... but somehow this was different. Tennyson, my self-involved little boy of late, cuddled up next to me and somehow all my disappointment and frustration with myself melted away. As he snuggled next to me and we both drifted off watching Sebastian and Xander play, I treasured the moment, ...the multitude of kisses he'd given me and the complete lack of inhibition with which he'd said he loved me so many times.
I wish I hadn't had an emotional episode, ... I wish I could take back my response to Sebastian and the way I came across to him... But then I wouldn't have had my "baby" show me just how much he's grown and how much he cares. And I wouldn't have grown from the experience either. ... I am a flawed human being, and try as I might, I'm constantly reminded of it. Perfection is not my desire, but it's so hard for me to forgive myself when I hurt those I love. Yet little Tennyson goes and shows me that no matter my weakness, I'm still loved and cherished and not thought less of. I don't deserve my two boys, ... or such and amazing husband and friend.
Thank-you, Lord, for showing me in the midst of the "everyday" the incredible greatness of human love and Your love that started it all.