LIFE! How quickly it flies...

Ah me, ...I wish I didn't need sleep or that somehow there were more hours in the day, or two of me! And yet, isn't that my challenge as well? ... to accept, to BE, and cherish every moment that I'm in?

Do the moments that I've loved, that are burned in my memory, lose their essence and piquancy by my NOT recording them in print? Perhaps,... at least for posterity, and yet they will always be mine. Mine are the memories of a little boys' first hesitant day of school, ... the thrill to a new experience and the excitement of new friends, new "play" and new learning. Yet also the tears that kicked in after that first week. The few days when, even though there was no reason he could give, he didn't want to let go of my hand, my embrace. (How you clutched me Xander, holding tight, ... to me? Or to the end of "baby-hood"? The knowledge that the days of non-scheduled play were gone... could you know that at 5?) And yet, how quickly too you adapted, ... accepting the current state of being, and joyfully learning each day.

I love how you share your days with me. I'm such a lucky mom, other parents say their children don't share at all, and you, (my verbal firstborn!) tell me so much! I love hearing you reiterate the things you did, the way Ms. Ginelle taught something, the "rewards" you earned by listening, etc. I know you enjoy it, ... and I'm so glad this year is half day's and lots of vacations. I think I'm going to be in for more of a rude awakening next year! How will I deal with you gone ALL DAY! I pray God helps me through it :) And your brother, ... Tennyson won't know what to do with himself!

Memories, how strange that I can look back at the 3 months (!!!) since my last entry and see so many clear images in my head. The way Xander smiles at me across the gym floor, ... the way Tennyson LOVES life and voices it! (No "inside" voice for him!) The way Sebastian takes care of all of us and treasures me, even in my weaknesses! Oh Lord, please help me to not worry so, and to treasure each day. To accept what you give and what is my current life. I desire so NOT to be my mother in some ways, even though I loved her! I want to be peaceful and happy and not have my children feel stress about me or my reactions to them. I know I get frustrated and yet maybe beating myself up about it is not the answer. I need to accept that I'm imperfect and perhaps find a way to step back, to take a mommy "time-out" and ask Sebastian to step in. I pray I can grow in that way. But I digress, I wanted to post in here how many wonderful things have happened in the last 3 months! Starting school for Xander, ... new experiences every day for Tennyson, patents for Sebastian, and a vacation! (The last in a while, which is perhaps why I treasure it so!) California was awesome and the boys were absolutely wonderful.

I will always remember the feeling that Disneyland has in the fall, ... the way it was to walk down Main Street with the boys, and see Tennyson's face when he saw the "castle"! The way Tata was thrilled to see Mickey, but when he(Mickey) tried to give him a second kiss, Tennyson had had enough and punched/ pushed him in the nose! The excitement that only a 2-year-old can have (and the dismay when he was sprayed in the face by the water parade!) The way Xander wanted so much to ride on the "big" rides, but when actually faced with them his imagination took hold and he wanted nothing to do with it! (It was a struggle to get him to go on Star Tours and the Matterhorn, but he loved both ... did Start Tours 3 times!) "NEXT TIME" he said, when I'm 8 or 10 Mom! THEN I'll go on Thunder Mountain and Space Mountain and Splash Mountain and even Indiana Jones and Tower of Terror! ;) Ah my little man.... it frustrated your dad, but I don't mind, you'll want to go on all those things soon enough, might as well save some "magic" for the future!

And Tennyson, ... loving Pirates of the Caribbean, (It scared Xander). Going on it twice and begin so big about everything. You've talked about it ever since, remembering the craziest things, like how we didn't go on Dumbo the first day because it was too crowded. (We did go the 3rd day) and how Xander got hurt on the lady-bug ride. (You love your brother so, ... I hope you always stay close and friends!) The pumpkins, ... the Halloween ride (Haunted Mansion redone for Halloween), It's a small world, Buzz Light-year, how we dressed up as Spiderman, Wolverine, Thor and Spiderwoman :) so many things you remember!

And me, ... I was tired and so was Sebastian. We had a great time though... I remember so many little moments. Getting food for everyone at the Pizza Planet, ... the way the sun hit Tennyson's hair on It's a Small World, the way the boys danced to Elvis music while waiting in line for Nemo. ... Not so great times, like the way Xander wanted so badly to be in Jedi Training and yet wouldn't raise his hand, didn't know what to do, ... kept looking at us for approval and was overall pretty dismayed because he didn't know how to get "in" and I think he knew how upset Dad was and I was for Dad being upset! :( ... Sebastian being tired and me feeling bad for being stressed... hmmm wish I didn't do that!

Overall though it was SO much fun, perhaps more so for the few tired and not-so-great moments! I treasure all the little times, the beach where we watched the sunset and gathered shells and flew kites and "battled". Seeing my dad in San Diego, the dinners out, the smell and feel of the "Happiest Place on Earth", ... grabbing a coffee with just Tennyson while Xander and Dad went on a ride. Holding Xander's hand while we tried to go on Thunder Mountain. Holding Sebastian's hand when we walked into the ocean, and glancing over at him on the flight back as two little boys slept soundly. Tom Sawyer island where the boys loved exploring the Pirate Caves, ... the smiles and intensity as they watched and took in EVERYTHING on each and every ride! (I hope in heaven I can relive it exactly as it was!) Vacations are amazing... and my family is my most precious treasure. Thank-you Lord for them and for the time to enjoy them!


More to come, too tired to type anymore, ... love to my soulmate, my firstborn and my baby :) sleep well my boys!