Ah me, tonight marks a near final moment I feel ...
Xander, little night-owl that he is, asked for food again at 10:30, after dinner at Michelle's house and then dinner here at home two hours later! I gave him cereal and milk and Sebastian asked Xanderman if he wanted to watch him play video games while he ate. I went up-stairs for a long over-due bath (the two littlest boys were asleep) and an hour later when I returned I found Xander fast asleep in the recliner. Curled around Chiara, Xander looked so little once again... I had a flashback to his "baby-days"...Wasn't it yesterday that I held him in my arms for the first time? He was already wise and "old". His soul shone through his little dark eyes as he gazed deep into mine. I felt like I was looking at the reflection of God. This little being had been in the presence of some "Other", some absolutely wonderful, perfect and incredible Being. I'll never forget for as long as I draw breath, how it felt to hold this perfect first child of our Love...
Tonight, as I picked up this little man, (no longer a slight 8 pounds, but more like 50!), I struggled to lift his dead weight. He whimpered in his sleep and mumbled something unintelligible, then clutched me tight. His arms around my neck, his pre-adolescent body not quite knowing what to do with legs stretched out straight ...(Tennyson will still fall into old habits when asleep and curl himself around me). But then, as I held him tight and whispered good night, he tucked his face into my neck... his body relaxed and he let me hold him... carrying him to his bunk-bed I nearly cried. I won't be able to do this much longer. Is this the last time? As I lifted him above my shoulders to get him into his bed and tucked him in, touching his hair and tucking his animals in next to him, I treasured this moment. ... Only hours earlier he had been shooting arrows into a target, ... running wildly in the grass and into the woods... a true boy. Xander, ... you are so grown up so often, taking care of your brothers, .... always trying to do what's "right", ... taking in the world and learning so many wonderful things, ... Latin, piano, Taekwondo, ... it's incredible to me and also heart-rending. My little boy, all too soon I see you growing up!
My one prayer tonight for you my little man is that you know how much I love you and how much you are my friend. You truly are the offspring of my heart. A firstborn to the core, ... you are "me" in so many ways, ... yet still you take after Sebastian and you are so much just yourself! (With a little bit of my Dad thrown in :)! ) I hope you understand how much I want to spend time with just you, ... how I yearn to listen to you talk for hours about Minecraft or movies or whatever your interest of the day is. You give so much and are so patient when the day is filled with little ones that demand attention. I pray you never feel regret (though I doubt you will, you understand so well about the needs of life!). I also pray that this year I can devote more individual time to just you and your brothers in turn. I'd love to go do something with just you my not so little Xander (and with each of your brothers)! I'll strive to do so this year and give us both wonderful memories to share :)
I love you my Xanderman, ... sleep well and dream of castles and buildings and "red-blocks" and movies. :) I LOVE YOU!!!! Forever and ever and ever and ever! Your Mama xoxoxo
No comments:
Post a Comment